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dirtydog

My Dog Named Sex



Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".

I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday.

dirtydog

A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together
with his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest, a
Doctor, and a Lawyer (or course.)

The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking
about his approaching death. He told his three friends this,
and asked them to do a favor for him when he died.

"Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of
you. I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money.
Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your
envelopes into the grave on top of my coffin?"

The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.

Sure enough (of course) the Rich Man died. At his funeral, the
Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his
coffin.

As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others,
"I have a confession to make. The church needed a new altar
badly, so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at his
feet.

The Doctor said, "Well, since you've admitted it, I too must
confess that I took the money. The children's hospital where I
work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to
buy it."

The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a
similar confession. Instead, he said "Oh, now, I didn't take any
of the money. I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the
envelope!"

dirtydog

Do you have any dead pets laying around? If so, I've got something
for you! It is the common belief that once an animal dies, it is
fairly useless. Well, I believe differently. If you follow the follow-
ing directions you can have hours of family fun with your dead pet.
(I, myself prefer cats because of their great flexibility, but most
anything will do).

1) HOT DEAD ANIMAL

First, take any plain garden hose and stuff down your dead pet's
mouth. Wait till it gets nice and fat and wiggly. Then you can invite
your family and friends out to the backyard for an ol' fashioned game
of "Hot Dead Animal" (A more exciting version of hot potato).

2) THE DUSTER

This one is fairly simple. Just fluff up your dead pet's fur
nice and fluffy. Then just grab hold of its tail and swing it around
any dusty area. This method is much more efficient than just the plain
feather duster and a heck of a lot cheaper too!

3) THE DOOR MAT

This is another simple one. Just place your dead pet in front of
the doorstep. Then all you have to do is get those letters you tape
onto things (those little black ones) and stick the letters "W-E-L-C-
O-M-E" onto it. No more mud tracked all over your nice, clean carpet!

4) THE DART BOARD

This method is very simple and can be done in a matter of minutes.
Just grab four nails, a hammer, and a dead animal. Then nail your dead
pet's four paws (assuming it has paws) to the wall, door, what have
you, and you're ready for a great game of darts.

SCORING: Front paws (10 pts), back paws (15 pts), head and neck
area (25 pts), torso or body area (5 pts).

5) THE DUFFEL BAG

This one might take some practice, but you can do it. First, you
must clean your dead animal out (you will need a strong pair of rubber
gloves and a couple of full lysol air-fresheners). Then you can keep
anything in it - clothes, money, maybe make-up and such (for you of the
female persuasion out there).

6) THE AIR-ODORIZER

If you really want to shake up the family unit in your house hold,
I've got something for you! When nobody is home, what you do is go up
on the roof and place your dead pet up in the air conditioning. After a
couple of long, hot days dead animals start to "odorize", if you will,
the area in which they inhabit. But through the air-conditioning -
PHEW! What a stench! All through the house. That'll get good ol' dad
pissed off when he's gotta go find what's clogging it. Ha-ha-ha!