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20-10-09 NEW fathers are failing to use their legal entitlement to paternity leave because they do not want to spend all day with a noisy shit fountain, according to new research.

Jim's new desk weighs 36 pounds, three ounces

The Institute for Studies found that more than 50% of fathers were reluctant to take time off insisting they wanted to keep their work-life balance firmly on the work side because it was relatively quiet and had a slightly more bearable stench.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "There are issues surrounding paternity pay and the ability to maintain one's career momentum but mainly it's the colossal amounts of shit and piss and a wife that wants you dead."

Tom Logan, an engineer from Doncaster said: "My employer has been incredibly supportive and has assured me that I could take all the time off I needed. But I said, no, absolutely not, no way, there is absolutely no fucking way that is happening."

He added: "I would love to be at home with my wife and child, but at this stage it is absolutely vital that I get as much time as I need to bond with my desk."

Roy Hobbs, the father of a three week-old piss machine from Hatfield, said: "I had to take my employer to a tribunal just so I could have the basic human right of getting the hell out of my house at seven o'clock every morning.

"And it is really important for my career that I am here all day thinking up excuses so that I don't have to go home until the last possible moment."

He added: "I do want to spend quality time with my child which is why I have arranged to have lunch with him as soon as he graduates from university."




The Daily Mash - NEW FATHERS RELUCTANT TO SPEND TIME WITH CONSTANTLY SCREECHING BAG OF SHIT

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