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Jokes and funny stories The section for all the zany and humorous stuff. Post your favourite jokes and funniest pictures here, also videos from youtube etc can be posted here.

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Old 28-09-2009, 06:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
a. boozer
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Martha's way

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

· My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with
your feet up eating it anyway.

· Martha's way #2:
Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot
griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

· My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave
for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic
bag.

· Martha's way #3:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.

· My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in
the pantry for up to a year.

· Martha's way #4:
To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the
water before hard boiling.

· My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take
the shells off anyway?

· Martha's way #5:
To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room
temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen
counter before squeezing.

· My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and
box springs.

· Martha's way #6:
To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a
drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan,
and bring to a boil on stovetop.

· My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

· Martha's way #7:
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring
in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

· My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any
leftovers.

· Martha's way #8:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit
of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on
the outside of the cake.

· My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for
you.

· Martha's way #9:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix me up"

· My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too darn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and
I don't care how bad it tastes.

· Martha's way #10:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and
it will keep for weeks.

· My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

· Martha's way #11:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield
a beautiful glossy finish.

· My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

· Martha's way #12:
Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

· My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

· Martha's way #13:
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring
out the corn's natural sweetness.

· My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

· Martha's way #14:
To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of
cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to
the surface, throw it away.

· My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad
later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

· Martha's way #15:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

· My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is
because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting
lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the
headacheanymore, it is because you are now blind.

· Martha's way #16:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for
future use in casseroles and sauces.

· My way: Leftover wine?

· Martha's way #17:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

· My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

· Martha's way #18:
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and
rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

· My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-
bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

· Martha's way #19:
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets,wait twenty
minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action
clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase
or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of
water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in
four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer,
if necessary).

· My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the
toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch
of problems at once.
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