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  1. #1
    Pedantic bastard
    nidhogg's Avatar
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    too long for quick jokes....

    The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

    Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

    By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat
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  3. #3
    Thailand Expat

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    Oldie but goodie.

  4. #4
    Thailand Expat
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    Just like your Mumma

  5. #5
    Thailand Expat
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    Dog Ad



    This is Lexi, she's an 8 week-old German Shepherd, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.
    She is 59 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house.
    Better to think inside the pub, than outside the box?
    I apologize if any offence was caused. unless it was intended.
    You people, you think I know feck nothing; I tell you: I know feck all
    Those who cannot change their mind, cannot change anything.

  6. #6
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    Fascinate

    Teachers in the class, facing the pupils, one is "little Jimmy" the foulest mouthed kid in the school, oh well she thinks to herself, I will just try to ignore him.

    " so pupils in today's English lesson we are going to study the word fascinate, can anybody give me a sentence with "fascinate" in it?

    Jimmy stickers his hand strait up , "oh miss, miss me" she ignores him and goes to little Timmy, he says " yesterday evening I watched a dinosaur movie with my daddy, I found it fascinating"

    Not bad said the teacher, but that's not quite the word we were looking for, anybody else?.

    Jimmy has his hand up again "miss, oh miss" she ignores him and turns to Samantha, who said "in the evening I like to look at the stars through my telescope, because astronomy fascinates me.

    Not bad said the teacher, but still not the exact word we were looking for, anybody else?

    Now only Jimmy has his hand up, so reluctantly she said "ok Jimmy what have you got?"

    Well, said Jimmy, I went to the shops last week and saw a lady with a 10 button shirt.

    Teacher is thinking this is not too bad "go on Jimmy, a 10 button shirt"

    Yea he said, her tits were so fucking big she could only fasten 8

  7. #7
    Thailand Expat
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    Fasten 8 ing
    Fascinating

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by AndyCap
    so pupils in today's English lesson we are going to study the word fascinate
    Quote Originally Posted by AndyCap
    fascinating"
    Quote Originally Posted by AndyCap
    not quite the word we were looking for
    Hmmm, maybe.

    Quote Originally Posted by AndyCap
    fascinates
    Quote Originally Posted by AndyCap
    still not the exact word we were looking for
    Bolloks! Terrible teacher...

  9. #9
    R.I.P.
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    Quote Originally Posted by VocalNeal View Post


    This is Lexi, she's an 8 week-old German Shepherd, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.
    She is 59 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house.
    I love it and Lexi!!!

  10. #10
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    Sheeeesh....tough crowd

  11. #11
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    Little Johnny and his dad were walking down the street together. They passed a bicycle shop and Johnny asks his dad to buy him a bike.
    Dad says, "Can your cock reach your arse?"
    "No."
    "Well, there's your answer then." says Dad.

    A little while later they passed a toy shop and Johnny asked Dad to buy a model plane.
    Dad says, "Can your cock reach your arse?"
    "No."
    "Well, there's your answer then." says Dad.

    Then they passed a confectionery shop and Johny begged for a small chocolate.
    Dad says, "Can your cock reach your arse?"
    "No."
    "Well, there's your answer then." says Dad.

    And so they carried on, when Johny saw $2 on the footpath, and grabbed it with glee. When they walked past the lotto shop, Johnny nipped in and bought a scratchy card. He rubbed the stuff off, and it revealed he had won a million dollars!

    Dad was overjoyed and said to Johnny, "Will you buy me a new car?"

    Johnny replied, "Well Dad, can your cock reach your arse?"
    Being smart, Dad said, "Yes it can!"

    "OK....go fuck yourself then".

  12. #12
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    During a lull between the speeches at one of Trump's rallies, Melania Trump leans over to talk to Mike Pence.

    "Ya know, I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

    "Wow, that's pretty impressive," says Pence, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words -- he doesn't really understand what they mean."

    "Oh, I know," Michelle replies, "Neither does Donald."

  13. #13
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    ^ predictable, but worth it.
    "slow clapping hands emoji'

  14. #14
    or TizYou?
    TizMe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by harrybarracuda View Post
    "Oh, I know," Michelle replies, "Neither does Donald."
    Who is Michelle?


  15. #15
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    A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

    He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

    He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.

    Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have a cunning plan. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself".

    So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

    The husband says; "Bloody hell, it wasn't that creased in the shop".

  16. #16
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    One day God was looking down at
    earth and saw all of the rascally
    retirees' behaviour that was going on... So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.


    When the angel returned, he told God,
    ‘Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% of retirees
    are misbehaving and only 5% are not.


    God thought for a moment and said,
    'Maybe I had better send down a second
    angel to get another opinion.'


    So God called another angel
    and sent her to earth for a time.

    When the angel returned,
    she went to God and said,
    'Yes, it's true.
    The earth is in decline;
    95% of retirees are misbehaving,
    but 5% are being good...'


    God was not pleased....!
    So He decided to email the 5%
    who were good, because he wanted
    to encourage them, and give them
    a little something to help them keep going.



    Do you know what the email said?



    Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either..

  17. #17
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    Todays word is "Contagious" Can anyone give me a sentence with contagious ?

    Yes LucyThe my friend next door is sick but her mother says I cant go to see her because what she has is contagious.

    Very good Lucy, anyone else ? Oh god no not little Jimmy again. Yes Jimmy.

    We went out with dad in the car yesterday and saw the man next door painting his fence with a one inch paint brush and dad said " Look at the size brush he's using it will take that contagious to paint that fence"

  18. #18
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    Edward I of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots.
    He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield,
    There suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.
    'Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!'
    Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says.
    The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the scotsman
    Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again.
    'Ya English diddies!' he yells.'Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll take ye all on!'
    Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little shite!'
    The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job.
    Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn.
    'Ya English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya English shites !!'
    Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that little bastard off the face of the earth!' he yells.
    The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.
    Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back.
    His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, Snot and Irn-Bru.
    'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go, ya bunch of English Shites!!!' he yells.
    Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed that little red haired bastard!' he commands.
    The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.
    Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. covered in blood, his clothes all torn off his back. 'Your Majesty!' he yells.
    'It's a trap!!!
    There's fuckin two of them!!!

  19. #19
    Custom user
    Neverna's Avatar
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    ^ Very good.

  20. #20
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    Nice one maanaam...

  21. #21
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    Bloke dies and goes to heaven, arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter with "Name"...so he states his name and is told he's in the right place, he will have to come through to the office to sign in.

    So in he goes and is led by an Angel down a long passage, full of clocks, he asks what all the clocks are for, well he's told everybody has one, there's yours sorry it's stopped, your dead. Oh, so on they go, suddenly a clock runs off 1 one hour, whoosh ...what happened there he asks, ah said the Angel , that's a bit embarrassing, that person on earth has just wanked one off, every time you do that you loose an hour.

    In the main office there is a clock mounted on the ceiling, going round and round, so he asked what that all about...

    Oh...says the Angel ...that's Flukes clock, we use it as a fan !

  22. #22
    Thailand Expat
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    A six year old goes to the hospital with her Grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
    When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room...
    "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, can you please please please make a noise like a frog!"
    "What?" said her Grandpa.
    "Make a noise like a frog......pleeeaaassseee. Because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!?

  23. #23
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    Chap comes out of the casino, broke.
    He goes to a taxi and asks him to take him home, but he'd need to wait outside while he goes in and scrounges around to find the fare.
    Taxi driver says "F off, I'm not waiting and I don't trust you".
    It's very late at night, and there were no other taxis, so the chap walked the 10 km home.
    The next day, the chap was at the casino again, and won big. He went out to the taxi rank to go home, and there at the end was the driver from last night. So he goes to the first taxi in the rank and asks him a question, to which the driver tells him to f-off. And so on down the rank, asking every driver, until he got to the last cab, to whom he says, "Will you take me home? I've got a $5 tip for you on top of the fare."
    Driver gladly accepts and pulls out of the rank and cruises past all the other waiting taxis,
    Driver says, "I saw you get turned down by everyone, why did they not want a tip?"
    "Well, I didn't offer them a tip, I offered them a chance to give me a blow job".

  24. #24
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    Two greyhounds, dressed to the nines, top hats, tail coats, spats, were leaning against the bar.
    "Funny thing happened to me in race 9 at Randwick the other day. The bell went, the gates opened and I raced out but was quickly at the tail of the field. I felt a grumbling in my tummy, my tail lifted and with a terrific fart, I sped up and won the race!"
    The other dog, startled, replies, "What? Exactly the same thing happened to me in race 6! The bell went, the gates opened and I raced out but was quickly at the tail of the field. I felt a grumbling in my tummy, my tail lifted and with a terrific fart, I sped up and won the race!"

    Now all this time, a racehorse had been listening from his spot at the bar.
    "Excuse me gentlemen, I couldn't help overhearing you, and I have a similar story that happened to me today at Warwick Park. The bell went, the gates opened and I raced out but was quickly at the tail of the field. I felt a grumbling in my tummy, my tail lifted and with a terrific fart, I sped up and won the race!"
    So saying, he gulped down his drink and left.
    The two dogs stared at each other, speechless. Completely in shock. Finally one gains his voice.
    "That's amazing! A talking horse!"

  25. #25
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