Thread: too long for quick jokes....

Yeah, but it swells when he has been drinking...

Possibly been on here before but what the heck.

Father Murphy's donkey.

Father Murphy was the parish priest in a small town and the church was always short of money, when the roof started to leak something had to be done.

All the possibilities were looked at then one parishioner said 'Why not get a race horse race horse owners always have money'

Father Murphy thought this was a good idea and went to a horse sale in a nearby town to buy a horse. When he got back he was told 'thats not a horse its a donkey'.

Father Murphy thought 'this is a sign from the good lord, was it not the Blessed Virgin herself who rode into Bethlehem on a donkey'

He prevailed on a race horse train to train the donkey, being a good Catholic he couldnt refuse the priest. It turned out the donkey could run and was soon beating some of the trainers best horses so it was entered in a race on the first day of the local races, the stewards were not happy but they were Catholics so could not refuse.

On race day the donkey came in second in its race and the editor of the local paper who wasnt a Catholic came up with the headline.

FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS.

This did not amuse the bishop who called Father Murphy and asked what was going on when told and how much the donkey had won he said OK race again but no bad publicity.

The next day the donkey won its race and the headline in the paper read;

FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop called again and was not happy but when told the donkey had won almost enough to repair the church roof he said 'OK one more race'

When the next day the donkey came in third, the headline read;

FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE

Another call from the Bishop and Father Murphy was told 'get rid of that animal, give it away whatever'

It happened the Convent a little out of town had a big field of long grass and Sister Mary loved animals so the donkey was given to her.

The editor who wasnt going to let a good thing go easily came up with the headline;

SISTER MARY HAS BEST ASS IN DISTRICT

The Bishop called again in a very bad temper and yelled ' I want that animal right out of the district, sell it, do whatever you like but get it gone'

A passing farmer heard of the donkey for sale and bought it from Sister Mary for 10 pounds loaded it on his lorry and that should have been the end of the story....But the editor had other ideas and the headline read;

SISTER MARY SELLS ASS FOR 10 POUNDS

The bishop died of a heart attack that evening.

Good one, Birding.

The Gambler


A gambler was called in to the Tax Dept to explain where his money came from. He arrived with his lawyer and told the tax man he was a gambler and got all his considerable income from gambling. The tax man was not convinced so the gambler said; ”Let me give you an example”

The gambler then said “I will bet you 10 dollars I can bite my eye” after moving his mouth round a bit the tax man took the bet.

The gambler took out his glass eye and bit it. Then said “ I bet you another 10 dollars I can bite my other eye” He cant have 2 glass eyes thought the tax man so he took the bet. The gambler then took out his false teeth and bit his other eye.



The gambler then said “ I will give you a chance to get your money back and make some more, “I will put 30 dollars on the desk with your 20 to make it up to 50 you don’t have to put up any more. If I can do what I propose I get the 50 if not you get it, no wait I will make it 80 to bring it up to 100”


“You have quite a long desk so I bet you I can piss over your desk into the rubbish basket at the other end and if I get as much as one drop on the desk you win.”
The tax man thought I have nothing to lose as he already has my 20 so he took the bet.

The gambler carefully positioned the rubbish basket then went to the other end of the desk pulled out his dick and strained to the utmost but he couldn’t reach the basket. OK said the gamble you win the 100 is yours.

With a laugh and a big smile on his face the tax man picked up the money and said yea I knew you couldn’t do it. Then he looked up and saw the lawyer sitting with his head in his hands and the tax man said “Whats wrong with you?”



The lawyer said “Before we came in here he bet me 500 he could piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it”

Brilliant!

A woman has a saucy secret rendezvous with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend, and they make love for hours.

Afterwards, as they’re lying in bed together, the woman’s home telephone rings. As she answers, her lover listens in, only hearing her side of the conversation.

“Hello? Oh, hey… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you, too. Bye.”

She hangs up the phone and her lover looks at her curiously. “Who was that?” he asks.

“Oh,” she replies. “Just my husband. He was telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.

^
nice!

Seems I must spread my seed atound to give anyone a green, all to funny though

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

he replied in disgust “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!”

Paddy handed his drink back and said “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice”

A grocer owned a parrot.


Every day, he would put the parrot cage outside, in front of his store, so the bird could catch a bit of sunshine.


One morning, down the street comes Trump. The bird, happy to have an audience, starts screaming: ‘’Impeach Trump!!! Impeach Trump!!!’’


This annoys Trump to the fullest but he says nothing, just walks by.


The following day, Trumps comes around again and the parrot starts again: ‘’Impeach Trump!!!’’ ‘’Impeach Trump!!!’’


Now Trump is getting really upset, he stares down the parrot, emits a few curses and leaves.


The third day, the parrot continues his screaming as Trump approaches and Trump has enough.


Storming into the store, he gives a piece of his mind to the grocer: ‘’If I hear that bird again, I will strangle him with my own hands and see that your store never sees a client for the rest of your miserable life!’’


The grocer is very afraid, he has no control over the bird, he knows that whatever he does, he is lost. Then, he starts thinking… Our parish priest has a parrot, maybe, if I explain the problem, the priest will let me exchange birds until things calm down.


And so, it is done. Next morning, the grocer puts out the priest’s parrot in front of the store and anxiously waits for Trump.


As expected, Trump comes by, the bird is silent. Trump tries to stare it down, walks around it, still not a word. Trump is speechless, how can it be? He says nothing and continues his walk.


Same thing the next day, and the next.


On the fourth day, Trump, being Trump cannot take it anymore. He walks up to the bird and whispers to him: ‘’Impeach Trump, Impeach Trump’’, the bird ruffles its feathers but makes no sound.


Maybe he did not hear me… so Trump tries a bit louder: ‘’Impeach Trump, Impeach Trump’’, still not a word from the bird.


This gets Trump mad like hell, he wanted to wring this bird’s neck so bad and he has no reason to do it now. Getting real close to the parrot’s ears, he yells at the top of his lungs: ‘’Impeach Trump, Impeach Trump!!!’’


The bird slowly turns its head, stares at Trump and calmly says: ‘’May God answer your prayers my son!’’

President Trump walks into a bar.


He finds a stool and sits down. He asks the bartender for a wine.


As he waits for his wine, he looks at the TV. The news headline flashes a headline, reading, “Sources state that Donald Trump is reported to have a very low IQ.”


Trump, feeling that the news headline was wrong, stands up and shouts “FAKE NEWS” at the TV and shakes his yuge hands at the tv.


The bartender looks at the president and asks him why he was mad.


Trump says, “This TV is spewing fake news! It was probably made in China. This is a total catastrophe! This TV says that I have a low IQ when I actually have a TREMENDOUS IQ!”


”How so?” questions the bartender.


Trump shakes his hands. “I took two IQ tests, and when I averaged the tests, it told me that I had an IQ of 150!”


The bartender frowns. He thinks for a moment and says, “Mr. President, don’t you have to divide by 2 to find the average, not multiply?”

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.


As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."


"I am entering" said Snow White.


After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"


"First Place," said Snow White.


They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."


"I'm entering," says Superman.


After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"


"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"


They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"


Pinocchio says, "this is mine."


Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.


"What happened?" the other two ask.


"Who the hell is Donald Trump?" asked Pinocchio.

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."*

*
**This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of
the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ
some Liverpudlian youngsters.*



*The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less**
** than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing
crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high
tech equipment.*

*
**It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari
management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari
an advantage over** **every other team.*

*
**However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four
wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed,
re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella,
a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.*

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

''How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!'' He showed up in his 57 Thunderbird".
"Wow,that's a cool classic car! what's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner.

A elderly man wobbled into a ice cream store and very slowly climbed onto a stool then ordered
a chocolate sundae.
"Crushed nuts?" asked the server.
"No",he replied, "bad knees."

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Boeing pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

Manny and FaRT went into a bar............................................... .........

Originally Posted by Maanaam

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Boeing pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

The commercial flight changes from an Airbus to a Boeing and back again...

^ Well spotted.

most people don't get airplane jokes anyway........they're way over their heads

Reminded me of an old favourite:

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

^ ..