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  1. #76
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    Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question."Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?""None," replied Johnny, ""Cause the rest would fly away.""Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?""Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?""No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
    I used to have a job at a calendar factory.
    I got the sack because
    I took a couple of days off.

  2. #77
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    I bought some Jamie Oliver sausages from Sainsbury"s the other day. On the side of the packaging it said "Prick with a fork".

    The man in charge of the luggage at Terminal 5 at Heathrow has been sacked and awaiting trial at court with another 28,000 cases to be taken into account.

    A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race appear?" The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mummy said they developed from monkeys?" The father answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."

  3. #78
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  4. #79
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    HOW TO TURK A COOKEY: First, buy the turkey and a bottle of whiskey. Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and put the turkey in the oven. ... Take another 2 drinks of whiskey, and set the degree at 375 ovens. Have 3 more whiskeys of drink and turn the oven on. Take 4 whisks of drinky and turk the bastey. Park Stick a turkey in the thermometer, and glass yourself a pour of whiskey. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours, take the oven out of the turkey, and floor the turkey up off the pick. Pour yourself another glass of turkey. Now just tet the sable, and turk the carvey! yur vari walcum!! :-)) hic

  5. #80
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    Two Dyslexics working in a kitchen.The first say"s "Can you smell Gas?"The second replies "I can"t even smell my own name!!"

    One advantage of being dyslexic is that it doesn"t cost much to get a personal registration for your car.

  6. #81
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    A guy goes to Moscow on business, the first night he picks up a hooker in the Hotel Bar and takes her back to his room. Being a hooker he"s not expecting much, but as they"re going at it she starts moaning, he starts pumping for all he"s worth and she starts squealing. he"s really getting into it now, banging like the proverbial shithouse door and she starts screaming. Afterwards, she"s shattered, she drags herself to her feet, takes the money and says "Mushka, Mushka". "She must have loved that and is telling me well done" the guys thinks.

    Next day he meets his business contact, and they go off for a round of golf, the Russian tees off first, he hits a screamer right down the middle of the fairway, 300 yards, a perfect shot. Keen to impress, the tourist wants to use the little Russian he knows, so he says "Mushka, Mushka".The Russian looks at him and says "What do you mean wrong hole?"

  7. #82
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    The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
    He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

    Finally, he realized his solution.

    On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the road. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
    Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
    He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
    Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
    He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
    The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
    Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

  8. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by KEVIN2008
    On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the road. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
    In my younger, stupider days when I thought being the Lothario was cool, I had had a quickie in my custom Bedford with a young lady from work, but she left scratch marks down my back.
    On the way home, I stopped over some gravel and took my shirt off and wriggled under the van over the gravel and got quite a lot of scratches...covered the nail marks convincingly, and gave me an excuse for my then-mrs: The van had an historic problem with the gear shift, so she accepted it without comment.
    Just saying, and also making a comment that I have matured and being Lothario is indeed uncool.

  9. #84
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    I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

    In the morning, she told me she had a confession. "Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

    "Sex or a one night stand" I replied.

    "Sex, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex."

    "That's fine, I don't mind" I said.

    She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said. "Good because I much prefer being Christina."

  10. #85
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    One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. There was a romantic full moon, and Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
    "Oh no, not now. Lets just look at the moon", said Jung Lee.
    "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
    "But I had rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
    "Please Jung Lee, just once... play Weeweechu with me."
    Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
    Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang...
    "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
    I am so unlucky that if I fall into a barrel full of D*ick**s, I'd come out sucking my own thumb!

  11. #86
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    At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.
    One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.
    The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"
    Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

  12. #87
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    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
    He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
    The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
    The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

  13. #88
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    One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa , will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
    So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa , now will you stay with me?"
    "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
    She takes off everything and says "Santa , now will you stay with me?"
    Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"

  14. #89
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    Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
    Man: "Yes!"
    Reporter: "Name?"
    Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
    Reporter: "Sex?"
    Man: "Three to five times a week."
    Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
    Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
    Reporter: "Holy cow!"
    Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
    Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
    Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
    Reporter: "Oh dear!"
    Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

  15. #90
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    Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
    Johnny: "Seven."
    Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
    Johnny: "Seven."
    Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
    Johnny: "Six."
    Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
    Johnny: "Seven!"
    Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
    Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

  16. #91
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    3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

  17. #92
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    After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves.What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

  18. #93
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    Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet.

    The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?"

    The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

    The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? "

    "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

    "And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black.

    The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

    "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

    "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

    The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

    "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

    The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance. "So, its nuts off for you too, huh?"

    The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

  19. #94
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    Three tough looking rats are sitting at a bar drinking.The first rat puts down his beer and turns to the others, saying, "You know how tough I am? Well, you know that rat poison they put down in the kitchen? I eat that stuff for breakfast lunch and dinner!"The second rat looks unimpressed and says, "That"s nothing. You know those big fucking rat traps they got all over the place? Well, get this - I jump in and out of them for a bit exercise. That"s how tough I am!"The third rat knocks back his whiskey, slams the glass down on the bar and heads for the door. "Where are you going?" asks the first rat."I"m off home to shag the cat", replies the third rat.

  20. #95
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    A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
    She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
    The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
    She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."
    Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother "Daddy is talking to the
    silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

  21. #96
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    An elderly widower walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. A dapper gentleman in his mid-eighties, he’s very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and scented lightly with an expensive cologne.

    Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.

    The sharp old gent slips onto the bar stool beside her, orders a drink, and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me . . . do I come here often?"
    Better to think inside the pub, than outside the box?
    I apologize if any offence was caused. unless it was intended.
    You people, you think I know feck nothing; I tell you: I know feck all
    Those who cannot change their mind, cannot change anything.

  22. #97
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    An oldie. But a goldie to me....


    A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.

    Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth"

    The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?"

    The Dwarf replies "A female horth"

    The owner shows him a Mare.

    "Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

    "Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

    "Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears.

    "Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.

    "Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?"

  23. #98
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    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside..

    He looked up and said weakly:
    'I have something I must confess.'

    'There's no need to, 'his wife replied..

    'No,' he insisted,
    'I want to die in peace.
    I slept with your sister, your best friend,
    her best friend, and your mother!'

    'I know,' she replied.
    'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

  24. #99
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    A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

    Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

    On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

    He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

    'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .

    I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

    Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .

    She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

    More thoughtful silence from him.

    Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...

    'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..???

  25. #100
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    ^ Funny ......




















    ... how two Chinese people are speaking English to each other

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