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  1. #51
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    This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says “No, please show me the next room”. Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, “I ll choose this room”. Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, “Well, it could be worse”, when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says “O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!”
    I am so unlucky that if I fall into a barrel full of D*ick**s, I'd come out sucking my own thumb!

  2. #52
    Valve Master Latindancer's Avatar
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    That reminds me of a Rowan Atkinson skit :


  3. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by Latindancer View Post
    That reminds me of a Rowan Atkinson skit :

    555

    Good one...

  4. #54
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    An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
    The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
    The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
    The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
    The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag.

  5. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by steve down under View Post
    An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
    The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
    The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
    The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
    The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag.
    555

    This made my day.

  6. #56
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    There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

    After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
    The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

    The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

  7. #57
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    I was telling an absolute stunner in the bar last night about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her tits.
    “Really” she said, “Go on then…try mine.”
    After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said.
    “Come on, what day was I born”?
    I said, “Yesterday.”


  8. #58
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    My neighbour shouted at me and told me to close the curtains next time I shag my wife in the living room as the whole street could see us yesterday afternoon and they were laughing and giggling about it.

    I told him to mind his own business, and anyway, the joke was on him because I wasn't even at home yesterday afternoon.


  9. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna View Post
    I was telling an absolute stunner in the bar last night about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her tits.
    “Really” she said, “Go on then…try mine.”
    After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said.
    “Come on, what day was I born”?
    I said, “Yesterday.”

    555


  10. #60
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    Guy walks into a bar and as he orders a drink, puts a large frog on the bar.
    The barmaid gives him his drink and asks about the frog and the guy explains that it's a trained cunnilingus frog. For the price of the next drink, he will allow the barmaid to try it out.
    She's curious and agrees.
    "OK, here's what you do: Lie down naked, put the frog on your tummy and say the order,"Go down Frog", and he'll get to work".
    Barmaid takes the frog and disappears out the back, but returns after a couple of minutes.
    "He just sits there and does nothing", she complained.
    "Well, there's no reason for him to be lazy....try again, this time say the order louder.
    Off she goes but is back again shortly.
    "Nope, he won't do it".
    "well," says the chap, "Would you mind if I had a look at how you're doing it?"
    She thought about it and thought it would be ok, so they both went to the back room. She stripped off, lay on the couch, put the frog on her tummy and said in a loud voice, "Go down Frog!"
    The frog did nothing.
    So the guy chimes in, "GO DOWN FROG!!!", and the frog didn't move.
    At this point the guy is looking very frustrated and picks up the frog and looks it in the face, wags his finger at it and says, "Now look! I'm only going to show you how to do this just one more time......."

  11. #61
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  12. #62
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    A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
    After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

  13. #63
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    A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
    The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

  14. #64
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    A guy goes into a chemist shop and asks for a packet of condoms.
    "What sort do you want?"
    "What sorts are there?"
    "Well, there's the 3 pack for teenagers"
    "Why?"
    "One for Thursday night, one for Friday and one for Saturday night"
    Then there's the 6-pack for uni students, two for Thusday night, 2 for Friday night and 2 for Saturday night".
    "Then there's the 12-pack for married couples"
    "Huh??"
    "Yes, one for January, one for Feb......"

  15. #65
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    A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
    There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
    She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
    He says, "Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
    She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00."
    She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it."
    He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
    He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
    She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"
    He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

  16. #66
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    555

    Good one, Maanaam.

    I farted earlier today and from the smell you could tell that I've eaten a lot of beef this week.

  17. #67
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    There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving.

    An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld.

    I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

    Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke.

    At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

  18. #68
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    ^ really?


  19. #69
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    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each present something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

    The man replied, "They're Carol's."

  20. #70
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    Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

    The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

    The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

    The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to.

    The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

    In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

    The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me......... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

    The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'?!.... Fuck me, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

  21. #71
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    ^^^

    555

    Good jokes....

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    Quote Originally Posted by nidhogg View Post
    ^ really?

    You don't like it? More of a dad joke really...perhaps in should start a new thread.

  23. #73
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    In fairness KW being kind I will rate it as dire.

  24. #74
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    Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman"s Friend. On the way home they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I"m the one with the hole," she said. "I"m the one with the nuts," he thought, then he touched her Milky Way. They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn"t long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks, then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn"t keen to have any Jelly Babies so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge, then he gave her a boost. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he needed a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who apparently had Allsorts!
    How much deeper would oceans be without sponges

  25. #75
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    Mr Carrot and Mr Parsnip were having a beer, swapping tales and just shooting the breeze.
    After a short silence Carrot says, "You know what, I was with Miss Cauliflauer last night, and I couldn't get it up. Mr Floppy, soft-on, flaccid as a very flaccid used condom."
    "Crikey mate! That's bad news. Hey, you haven't been playing around with Miss Sweet Pea, have you?" Parsnip asks, all concerned.
    "No, haven't touched her", says Carrot.
    "What about Miss Broccoli....you know what they say about her".
    "No, I would touch Miss Broccoli...yuck."
    "Hmmm...have you ever slept with Mrs Cabbage? She gets around you know."
    "Nope, I wouldn't sleep with that slut." says Carrot.
    "Ahh, well, I see your problem then.....you haven't been getting your greens".

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