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  1. #26
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    A man applies for the piano player's job in a posh restaurant. The owner says "OK play something".

    He plays this awesome melodious piece that has all the staff clapping.

    "That's amazing!" said the owner. "What was that?".

    "Oh, it's my own composition" says the man. "It's called 'Suck my cock till my balls are dry'".

    "Er, OK" says the owner, "play us something else".

    "He plays another brilliant piece with the same result.

    "Is that yours too?" says the owner.

    "Yes", says the man, "It's called 'I had a spunk-filled threesome with two big black whores'".

    "Er, OK" says the boss. "Look, you've got the job, but just don't tell people the titles of the songs, OK? It might offend them. You can start tonight".

    So later that night, the man is on his third set, the place is packed, the crowd are in raptures and applauding for more. Then a customer walks by and notice that the man's flies are undone and his penis is visible.

    "Excuse me", says the punter, "Do you know your flies are undone and your cock is hanging out?".

    "Know it?" says the man. "I fucking wrote it!".


    rat-a-tat-*ching*

  2. #27
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    Good one Harry.
    Serious question as I'm not sure: Is it "flies" or "fly"? I've seen both, but always use the singular.
    Is the difference between buttons and a zip?

  3. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maanaam View Post
    Good one Harry.
    Serious question as I'm not sure: Is it "flies" or "fly"? I've seen both, but always use the singular.
    Is the difference between buttons and a zip?
    That caught my attention. Best i can find is "fly" is more comon in American English, while "flies" is more common in UK English.

    Always good to see this board tackling the serious issues.

    555

  4. #29
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    Groan!!!!

  5. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by nidhogg View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Maanaam View Post
    Good one Harry.
    Serious question as I'm not sure: Is it "flies" or "fly"? I've seen both, but always use the singular.
    Is the difference between buttons and a zip?
    That caught my attention. Best i can find is "fly" is more comon in American English, while "flies" is more common in UK English.

    Always good to see this board tackling the serious issues.

    555
    Australia/NZ I've never heard "flies" to my recollection, but have read it.
    But then, hearing "Your fly's undone" sounds the same as "your flies 'r' undone".

  6. #31
    PAG
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    I was in a mate's bar lasts night, and I was telling him that old joke, "what do you do if someone has an epileptic fit in a bath? Throw the washing in".

    Anyway, a guy at the next table said "my brother was an epileptic, and he died in a bath".

    I said "did he drown"? He said "no, he choked on a sock".

  7. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by nidhogg
    Always good to see this board tackling the serious issues.


    Best joke of the week, other than harrys flies one of course.

  8. #33
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    A researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy. He asked the man, “In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered ‘twice weekly.’ Your wife, on the other hand, answered ‘several times a night’” “That’s right,” replies the man, “And that’s how it’s going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.”

  9. #34
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    A couple are facing financial difficulties and thre bank is about to foreclose on their mortgage.
    The wife steps up and says she'll work on her back to try to get some extra cash.
    Reluctantly hubby agrees.
    So she goes out that night to walk the streets. Comes home in the morning and hands hubby $401.
    Hubby asks, "What miserable john paid you only a dollar???"
    She replies, "All of them".

  10. #35
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    A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

    The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

    The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.

    The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

    The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

    The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

    The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

    The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

    The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

  11. #36
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    Two, old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So, “says the second drunk, "what's your point" "Well, "says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

  12. #37
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    Dear Dr Ruth,

    I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex
    maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am
    doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail, etc. I
    would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel
    gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'

    cinsely ous
    mdyl

  13. #38
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    Kevin is watching a movie on Friday night and feels rather amorous He says to his wife; Hey honey, how about it?”
    She says, “I have a headache.”
    Saturday nigh they are in bed, and he asks, “Sweetheart, how about it?”
    She says, “I’m too tied.”
    Sunday night he climes into bed, puts his arm around her, and says again, “Well how about it?”
    She pushes him sway and says, “Three nights in a row? What are you, a sex maniac?”

  14. #39
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    A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
    The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

    "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

    "Yes," the Labrador replies.

    After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."

    The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

    I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

    The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

    "Ten quid," the owner says.

    "10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

    "Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!

  15. #40
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    ^ Very good!

  16. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by PAG
    I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
    Very good, oddly same tale heard in many a Bangkok bar !

  17. #42
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    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    "That little O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
    " That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


  18. #43
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    A blind man goes to a brothel. Being blind, he hands over his cash not knowing he's rented the ugliest fat bird in the place.

    She takes him upstairs, strips off and then tells him to get himself acquainted. He rubs his hands over her face, her tits and then turns her over and goes down to her very spotty arse.

    All of a sudden, he recoils in horror.

    She says "Don't worry, it's only acne".

    He says "thank fuck for that, I thought it was the price list".

  19. #44
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  20. #45
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    What did Helen Keller do when she fell down a well?

    Screamed her hands off.

  21. #46
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    Why did Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

    So she could moan with the other one.

  22. #47
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    QUOTE=Neverna;3385549]Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    "That little O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
    " That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

    [/QUOTE]

  23. #48
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    "Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
    They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
    As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
    "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
    Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
    The girl leaned over the counter and said:

    "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
    I do not have Twitter or Instagram so instead I walkabout in the streets. shouting to randomly selected
    people what I've eaten, drunk, and what my home looks like.
    It is after all important to build networks.
    So far I have 3 followers, one is apparently a doctor and the others are policemen.

  24. #49
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    Getting into the Xmas spirit. This is cute and quite funny.


  • #50
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    Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said “Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.” Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. “Satan!” beckoned God. “You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!” “Yeah? What if I don t?” replied the devil. “I ll sue you if I have to,” answered God. “Sure,” laughed Satan. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”
    I am so unlucky that if I fall into a barrel full of D*ick**s, I'd come out sucking my own thumb!

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