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  1. #301
    Mex
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    Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long penises.

    "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

    "Its hereditary, sir," replied the older brother.

    "I see, said the doctor, writing in his file." Your fathers the reason for your elongated penises?

    "No, sir, our mother.

    "Your mother?" said the doctor.

    "Dont be so ridiculous! Women dont have penises!"

    "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

  2. #302
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    The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
    Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
    Me: “What about it?”
    Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
    Me: “Right, I’ve done that”...
    Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
    Me: “I can s...ee that, yeah.”
    Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
    Me: “Okay, I see them.”
    Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
    Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
    Her: “Can you see his feet?”
    Me: “Yes, I can!”
    Her: “Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”

  3. #303
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    LOL aint it the truth great stuff G

    Why do women have smaller shoes than men? So they can stand closer to the sink

    source:

  4. #304
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
    The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
    The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
    The bartender says, "Only if what you show me doesn't offend the other customers."
    "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
    The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
    "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
    "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
    A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
    The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
    The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
    The bartender says, "Only if what you show me doesn't offend the other customers."
    "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
    The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
    "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
    "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
    How much deeper would oceans be without sponges

  5. #305
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?



    A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

  6. #306
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    I hate that if a girl has sex with a lot of guys everyone calls her a slut, yet if a guy does the same thing everyone calls him gay.

    My friend told me I don't understand irony...
    ...which was ironic because I was standing at a bus stop at the time

    Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

    A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

    A baby seal walks into a club...

  7. #307
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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    • I used to be a structural linguist, but now Im not Saussure.

  8. #308
    or TizYou?
    TizMe's Avatar
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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"


    The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"


    The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."


    The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.


    Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.


    After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"


    Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"


    "Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

  9. #309
    or TizYou?
    TizMe's Avatar
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    A bunch of Indians capture the Lone Ranger and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the Lone Ranger, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days, on sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"


    The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse, Silver.” The Indians get his horse. The Lone Ranger grabs Silver’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the Lone Ranger. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."


    The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse, Silver again." The Indians bring him his horse. The Lone Ranger leans over to Silver and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Lone Ranger. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."


    The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse, Silver again." The Indians bring him his horse. The Lone Ranger grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

  10. #310
    or TizYou?
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    A dog lover, whose dog is a female and “in heat”, agrees to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours are on vacation. She has a large house and believes she can keep the two dogs apart. However, as she is drifting off to sleep she hears awful howling and rushes downstairs to find the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Desperate, she calls the vet, who answers in a very grumpy voice.
    Having explained the problem to him, the vet says, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his excitement and he will be able to withdraw.”
    “Do you think that will work?” she asks.
    “Just worked on me,” he replies.

  11. #311
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    A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a bar.


    Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

    The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.



    After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

    Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like.

    Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game.

    I want $100, and there's another condition".



    Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.



    "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words"



    The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

    He then whips out his wallet and puts $100 in her outstretched hand.

    He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:



    "Paint my house."

  12. #312
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    AN "UNDER THE BED" STORY..

    Ever since I was a child, I’ve always
    had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
    So I went to a shrink and told him: " I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think
    there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".

    "Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come
    talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
    those fears". "How much do you charge"? "Eighty dollars per visit",
    replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it", I said.

    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about
    those fears you were having"? he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit,
    three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me
    for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went
    and bought me a new pickup truck".

    "Oh, Is that so"? he said with a bit of an attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you"?

    "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now"!

    FORGET THE SHRINKS.
    HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER! IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A
    SECOND OPINION.

  13. #313
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    Eliminator's Avatar
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    Nice one Birding.

  14. #314
    Mex
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    Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
    Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"
    Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
    The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
    "Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."
    Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."
    Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
    Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
    Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"
    "Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"

  15. #315
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    toslti's Avatar
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    An Israeli is out picking up girls in Tel Aviv.
    While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather Nordic looking blonde woman.
    So they go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. Proud of his rugged background and years in the IDF, he forces himself to last as long as possible.
    He finally goes over the edge.
    Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So ... you finish?"

    After a slight pause she replies, "No."

    Surprised, but pleased, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first time ... and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.

    Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So ... you finish?"

    And again, after a short pause, she simply says "No."

    Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his "companion du jour."
    This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.

    Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it again, and then asks, "So ... you finish?"

    To which her pleasured reply is, "No. I'm Swedish."

  16. #316
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  17. #317
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  18. #318
    Thailand Expat david44's Avatar
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