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Boon Mee

Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I am a faithful Wahhabist living in the satanic pit of America and have recently found it necessary to burn my wife at the stake for her insolence. My problem is threefold. First, the cost of gasoline has risen to such a price that it almost makes me question my sentence of a “painful, fiery death.” Second, every time I secure her to the woodpile, these pain-in-the-ass environmentalist groups keep protesting me. Apparently the kindling I chose comes from a tree that is home to some endangered bird. Mark my words, when the land of the Great Satan finally becomes an Islamic state, the cursed spotted owl will be first in line to feel the cold steel of my sword. Third, clearly I want my children to be a part of this important event, but I am concerned about the effects on their self-esteem. Would you recommend they stand right next to me while I engulf their mother in flames, or would it be preferable to film it and show them the video at a later date? Any wisdom you can impart would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Pyrotechnically-challenged in Peoria

Dear Pyrotechnically-challenged,

Whoa. Slow down my friend. You have asked me many questions, but you have left out a great deal of critical information. First of all, I cannot be sure that death by fire is the proper response to your wife’s infraction. Perhaps the situation merely calls for a severe beating of the uvula or a vigorous genital caning. Please be more specific next time.

However, for the sake of argument we must err on the side of severity. Let’s just say that your wife exposed her left temple while in public and thus is deserving of a flame-laden, blistering death. As Muhammad al bin Farou noted in his seminal piece on the topic, There Must Be 50 Ways To Sautee Your Lover, “…the cost of the punishment is of no import. What is paramount is that swift, even-handed justice be meted out.”

In other words, even if regular unleaded tops $4.00 a gallon you are obliged to pay this price. The monetary inconvenience to you is insignificant in the face of the wrong you are righting.

Good luck and please let me know how it turns out.

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar, homeopathy, animal grooming, and the making of hit records.

Ripped it from here

__________________
ผมเป็นคนบ้านนอก

Gerbil

I feel his pain.

Boon Mee

Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

My first daughter has come of age for genital mutilation and as you can imagine, I am quite nervous. She is the apple of my eye and I want to make sure that everything goes smoothly. Any suggestions?

Perennially Pacing in Pashtun Province

Dear Perennially Pacing,

Ah yes, I too remember well the labial maiming of my firstborn female. It is a very special occasion indeed. Here are a few tips to help with your big day:

• Do not use anything sharp for the ceremony such as a well-honed scalpel or a new razor blade. This will produce too clean of a cut and render the entire “mutilation” moot. I recommend a broken conch shell or a rusty fan blade. In a pinch you can simply gnaw off the offending organ, but this is not as desirable an option in my opinion.
• As the proud father just remember that everyone will want a piece of you on this day. Make sure to slow down and enjoy the moment. It will fly by quicker than you realize.
• Except for the obvious need during the ceremony, make sure her skin is completely covered. A genital mutilation can quickly turn into death by stoning; let’s focus on one rite of passage at a time!
• Be sure to have enough food. I still recall with horror a mutilation I attended in the mid-90s. Everything went off beautifully during the ceremony, but at the after-party all they had was a six-pack of chick pea cola and a single tray of “Jews-in-a-blanket.” To call this “poor form” would be an understatement of the first order.

I hope I have been of assistance. Enjoy your day!

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar usage, homeopathy, and animal grooming

DrB0b

Dear Lifeline

I have been having some problems in my relationship that I think you can help me with. How does God make His will known? I got a message from a friend of mine who says that God told him that the guy I am going out with now is not God's will for me. I would really like to know if this is true, but I'm quite confused right now. So exactly how does God reveal His will concerning marriage, and how well can I trust this prophesy? Thank you for your help!


Dear Joan

Thank you for your letter. I am concerned that your friend has caused you this anxiety about your relationship. Were there problems anyway or is it purely as a result of the doubts cast into your mind by your friend. My problem is that I do not know his motive, he may be well meaning but wrong, he may have received a word from God but even if he has then it is not always right to give it immediately or in a blunt way or alternatively it may be he has other agendas himself. Prophecy when it is from God will be in line with His word and His will and purposes in your life. I always recommend that in a situation such as this, that the person seeks or awaits confirmation from a total of three different sources.

In relation to your boyfriend I have a number of questions to ask?

1. Is he a Christian? If he is not then this is the first problem as you are unequally yoked. You are a child of God wanting to walk in obedience whilst you boyfriend will have other aims and objectives.
   
   
2. Assuming he is a Christian, is he treating you with respect? Is he wanting you to have sexual intimacy which should only take place in marriage? If so, then this questions his commitment to God and obedience to Him but it also questions his ability to be faithful for if he is unfaithful to God over sexual matters then there is the higher risk of unfaithfulness in marriage. It also questions his attitude to you. If he sees you as a sexual object, does he want you for you or for the physical experience?
   
3. If you have answered no to both of the above, then at least you both share your faith and are keeping yourselves pure sexually. The question then is whether there are things that you find difficult in him which you want to change. If so, beware, as the chances are that he will not change once you are married. It is normally the time when people are on their best behaviour!
4. Is he moving on with God, do you both share the same hopes and dreams as Christians in what you believe God is calling you to?
5. Do you share your attitudes towards children, home life, housework, finances etc? If not, discuss it carefully.
6. After a positive answer to all of the above one final question? Can you imagine life with him for the rest of your life? If yes. Then how about the reverse, can you imagine life without him? This last one is often very telling.

You may ask where is God in all this? The key to it all is that is you are walking with God in obedience, putting your trust in Him, then as you remain true to God then you will know in your heart whether the relationship is right. You may have desire for a person but often we know deep down inside whether we feel comfortable before God with this person.

If it is right I ask God to bless your relationship richly, yet if it is wrong may God clearly show you this in such a way that you know that it should end.

DrB0b

Dear Lifeline

I am a Christian and I have loved God with my all as a single man but now that I have met a girl, it is difficult for me to love God and my girl at the same time. A number of times I have failed to set an devotional time for both of us because I am not sure how am I supposed to lead the bible study. Please help. Jo


Dear Jo

Thank you for your e-mail. I feel that you are saying that falling in love has taken a lot of your time and you want to be with her as often as you can and this has taken some of the time and attention you used to spend with the Lord. First and foremost you need to continue to make sure that your personal relationship is right with God to enable you to have a firm foundation for your relationship. If you believe the relationship is of God and part of His plan for your life then you need to spend time with God together in order to ask for God's blessing on your relationship and to know His plans for you both. This would include attending Church together, House Group and Prayer Meetings and then discussing together your response. Sharing, reading the Bible, praying and worshipping together in order that God can speak to you and bind you together spiritually giving you an understanding of each other at a deeper level that the non-Christian couple. This new love has taken over your life at the moment, but if you want the relationship to last and progress long term you need to bring God into it and make a trio not just a partnership. I pray that God will guide you and bless you and keep you from any physical intimacy that would both spoil your relationship with your girlfriend and with God. May you find your love growing for each other.

Premier Lifeline

DrB0b

Dear Lifeline

I am a Christian but have no self-control when it comes to sexually seductive images. I can't help but be interested in them and want more. I know I should not be doing these things but I find it very difficult to get out of being under the influence of this material. I have prayed so much but cannot seem to find the strength in times of weakness. I always just give in and look at the stuff on the Internet or whatever. I know it is disgusting, I feel disgusting, but I can't get out of the trap. I just want to be a decent Christian. I know that I am packed full of these images, full of sinful thoughts, God knows it too. How am I going to be able to get out of this situation and get right with God? It is not easy talking face to face about this subject so I have not talked to anybody else. It is too embarrassing. I just feel like I am fighting a losing battle most of the time. I just want to be with God but distractions get in the way. Please, I really need some advice... Tony


Dear Tony,

Thank you for being so honest in your writing. I can understand why you find it difficult to talk to someone face to face on this matter. It certainly seems from what you describe that this problem has taken hold of you and appears to control you. As a child of God you recognise that this is wrong but you are experiencing a deep inner struggle and turmoil. Paul writes in Romans 7v.25 that he struggled with sin. He knew what it was like to know what he should do and yet his human nature pulled against this towards evil.

You have certainly taken the first step and that is to recognise that what you have been doing is wrong and harmful. You need to take it before God and He will give you strength to be obedient. However, you have to be willing to choose by an act of your will to want to stop. If you choose, God can help, but if you don't He will not force you to obey thereby removing your freewill. By choosing to stop it is then essential to destroy any existing material or deleting the material and addresses from your computer. It is then necessary to avoid going to places where you are tempted to buy material. In regards to the Internet it may be necessary to install software to stop you having easy access to the offensive websites.

You may need support from others to maintain this decision. Is there anyone at Church or some other Christian who could support you through this? It really needs to be seen as an addiction which ahs to be conquered. Alternatively you may benefit from some form of Christian Ministry to pray into the causes of this and whatever is keeping its power over you. Ellel Ministries offer courses on Addiction and Godly Sexuality. You can order their brochure through Lifeline.

I pray that God gives you the strength to withstand the temptation to continue to look at this material. I ask the Lord to cleanse your mind, remove the pictures and images already imprinted, and equip you to withstand the pressures of temptation.

Yours in Christ,

Jon,
Premier Lifeline

DrB0b

^all absolutely genuine. Premier Christian Radio: Dear Lifeline - Christian problem page, agony aunt, personal, moral, spiritual, emotional problems from a christian perspective

Gerbil

I feel a troll coming on....

Boon Mee

And Islamic Rage Boy is not genuine....?

dirtydog

I prefered the Islamic boy ones, the God ones are a bit tedious to say the least, thought I kept missing the punchline or something until I realised there werent one

sabang

Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I have often wondered if the Jewish and Gentile refusal to use anaesthetic when they genetically mutilate their helpless male infants could explain the later anal retentiveness they display in their lifetime? Could the hideous pain and trauma they are made to suffer as infants form a psychological explanation for their invention and widespread use of hideous weaponry that none but Beelezebub himself could conceive? Might it be that the genital damage resulting from circumcision is at the root of their deviant sexuality, depicting women as promiscous sex slaves, objects to be degraded in the most humiliating manner? I left the safety filter off my computer recently, and the images that were portrayed when I did an innocent search on 'water sports' would have made Allah himself blush.

Yours,
Curious in Cairo.

__________________
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.

Sir Burr

If you are not anally retentive, do you shit your pants all the time?
Never did understand that American insult.

Signed,

Mr. Happy to be anally retentive.

sabang

^It's a Freudian thing SB. Some weird stuff that Freud.

Boon Mee

Islamic Rage Boy Weighs In On Egyptian Clitorectomy Death

My dear infidels, I had not planned on writing today, as I’ve a busy schedule: a morning caning of Malaki Abdama’s insolent son, who was found looking at a copy of his father’s Barely Legal Camels magazine; a brainstorming for anti-U.S. slogans with some of the village leaders (you try and find words that rhyme with Satan); and, finally, a speech that I must give at the local school, entitled, “To Saw Or Slice: Common Mistakes In Decapitation.”

But, the news from Egypt forces my hand. I must address the horrid story of a clitorectomy gone terribly wrong, when a young girl died due to an overdose of anesthesia.

In all my years of mutilating female genitalia, never have I encountered such idiotic mistakes as are clearly evident in this case. Anesthesia? Who was this alleged clitorectomist? Any good Muslim knows that the pain of clitoral removal is part of the rite of passage. But, instead of suffering the excruciating removal of an organ of pleasure that Allah never intended her to have, this young whore likely drifted off to death dreaming about who knows what– perhaps an exposed wrist or ankle. I shudder to think.
What’s next, I ask you? Epidurals for child birth? Local anesthesia for beheaded infidels? Doses of Motrin for Suicide Bombers? PERHAPS WE WON’T BURN FLAGS ANYMORE BUT SIMPLY WRINKLE THEM???

As I write this, a team of educators has been dispatched to Egypt to re-train this hack doctor. It will be much harder for him to consider anesthesia since he’ll be performing the procedure with one hand from now on.

Praise be to Allah

Boon Mee

Origin of Rage Boy.

Muslim 'Rage Boy' says he's really angry

Boon Mee

Ask Islamic Rage Boy Vol. 3

Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I was recently captured by the American swine on the battlefield of Iraq during the glorious jihad against the west. I did not intend to be taken, but the Somali suicide belt I had on did not detonate. To add insult to injury, after being taken to Guantanamo Bay (which is really quite nice), I have taken to eating the decadent, carb-laden infidel food and have put on the dreaded “Gitmo Fifteen.” What is the best way to lose this excess weight?


Rapidly Gaining in Gitmo


Dear Rapidly,
Wow, talk about your proverbial string of bad luck. I am very sorry for your failure to blow up. This can be most disconcerting. However, I am not surprised given the fact that you were wearing a Somali issued belt which I have always maintained were of inferior quality. You did not specify, but I assume it was the Virgin-Voyage 2000 model as this is notorious, even among the Somali belts, for its unreliability. In the future I would recommend one of the Syrian or Iranian models. They are a bit pricey, but they make up for it in performance. Many jihadis like the student-designed belts that have been coming out of the French ghettos over the past few years, but I haven’t seen enough data to support this choice. Please keep in mind too that most people go out of their way to complain about poor products or service while the data on successful belts is typically secondhand. Please do not be discouraged, it will happen when the moment is right.

As far as your incarceration goes there are two options: self-decapitation or patience. The former involves a great deal of fortitude and a razor sharp Q’aran. Initially you will lose the desired weight with even more coming off over time. On top of that, the Jihad Council has recently approved an additional twelve virgins for this most honorable act. The downside is that paper cuts really sting. I mean, I couldn’t do it but more power to you if you are able.

The latter option is patience. Patience because our lobbying efforts are working. Senators Reid and Durbin have rallied to our cause as well as the heavy-set sot from Massachusetts whose name escapes me. Your voice is being heard. You are making a difference.

Boon Mee

Ask Islamic Rage Boy Vol. 4

Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

Although I am not a Muslim, I feel a certain kinship with you and your struggle. I too have been oppressed by the vast right wing conspiracy. I live in San Francisco and find it far too conservative for my liking. Why just the other day, I saw a car with a “Bush/Cheney” bumper sticker on it! After slicing the tires and sacrificing a lamb on the console, I painted a “Peace” symbol over the offending sticker. I hope this teaches those fascists a lesson about tolerance. I can’t take living in this hotbed of Rethuglican activity any longer. Are there any places out there that would better suit my needs?


Fed Up With Bay Area Neocons


Dear Fed Up,

I must confess, you have me stumped. When the dog days of jihad get me down, or when I have a hankering to mingle with those who truly understand the vile acts perpetrated by the Great Satan, I hop the first flight out of Fallujah and head right for your town. Once I get past the whole “gay” thing, I truly feel at home. Perhaps you are just experiencing a severe bout of the-grass-is-always-greener-itis? Oftentimes we do not appreciate what we have until it is gone.

Also, you sound a bit depressed to me. Are you having suicidal thoughts? Do you currently have a plan to kill yourself? In your present state, I am concerned that you may do something rash like killing only yourself. Remember “suicide bomber” is just an expression (one that I have spent countless hours lobbying to change), it does not mean that only you should die. Please seek out a professional regarding your condition. Either your local CAIR chapter or the San Francisco School Board will be able to provide you with the proper guidance.

There are so many opportunities for enjoyment and self-improvement in San Fran. Try this, pick up a copy of The New Caliphate Quarterly (available anywhere fine halal products are sold) head down to the beach and just relax. Or you can join your town supervisor in his noble quest to rid the airwaves of that infernal infidel radio host; the aptly named “Michael Savage.” Were my religion not a peaceful one I would call for a most severe reprisal against this fiend, rather than the customary, albeit benign, beheading and ocular torture. Count yourself lucky Savage.
Good luck with your situation and please keep me informed as to your progress.

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar, homeopathy, animal grooming, and the making of hit records.

Boon Mee

Ask Islamic Rage Boy Vol 5

Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I need some guidance. My husband is the jealous type, and it is beginning to cause problems in our marriage. When we first started dating, I thought it was sort of cute that he would threaten other guys if they talked to, or looked at, me. You know, like it meant he really loved me. However, after being married just a brief time (six months next Friday), it is really starting to put a strain on the relationship.

For example, we were at the beach the other day and he got totally mad that I was wearing what he calls my “whore-wear.” It’s just a modest one-piece suit! He even yelled at me in front of some people and called me a slut! On top of that, he punched one of the lifeguards in the neck just because he said “hi” to me. My friend Jenny said that he is abusive and that I should leave him.

I really love him, but am rapidly being pushed over the edge. Help!

Jealously Guarded In Jacksonville

Dear Jealously,

Never have I before encountered such a selfish, ungrateful cur as yourself. “Oh, Islamic Rage Boy, my husband is mean to me! Wahhh, he yelled at me! Boo hoo hoo!” Enough!

Let me tell you what I see. I see a man who has taken tolerance, multiplied it by Gandhi, and then added ridiculous plus ten to the sum. Count your blessings you simpering harlot, were you my property, your overindulged American genitalia would feel the sting of my switch even as we speak. Tell me, do his other wives complain in a manner such as yours?

However, there is plenty of blame to go around in this dysfunctional coupling of which you are a part.

To your cowardly husband I ask the following: Why have you allowed your chattel to have Internet access? Can you honestly say you are surprised at her insolence given the radical ideas to which she has clearly been exposed? While I appreciate the fact that you reacted violently to her sporting uncovered skin at the beach, why was she allowed out of the house in the first place? And why was the object of your aggression this lifeguard and not the truly guilty party? It is as my father used to say, “If you hit them with a large stone, they ask for a medium. If they are thus pelted with a medium stone, they pine for the small.” Set about putting your house in order, boy.

Also, please forward me the address of this “Jenny” you spoke of. She has much to say, this one. I should very much like to speak with her regarding her tragically misguided dispensation of marital advice.

Boon Mee

Islamic Rage Boy Dispels Myths Regarding Exploded Buddha Statue

After hearing the mounting lies and distortions from Westerners and assorted other infidels on the subject of the giant statue of a “meditating” Buddha that was blown up in the Swat district on Saturday- for which I take full responsibility- I thought it only proper to respond.

First of all, meditation is in the eye of the beholder. The only time the obese Buddhist wretch displayed any signs of “peace” or “tranquility” was after we had dispatched him with several thousand pounds of well-placed C-4. Until that point, he was poised cat-like, ready to strike at me and my fellow peaceloving Muslims who had merely happened through the area in search of one of our wayward whores who had skipped out on her daily genital caning.

Imagine our shock and horror when we came around the corner to find this overstuffed stone cabbage prepared to attack with the fury of a thousand jungle beasts. Anyone who claims that Buddhism is the religion of peace, clearly has not encountered one of these ferocious sedimentary leviathans who act as the gatekeepers of this most oppressive faith.

As we drew back in terror, the behemoth kept coming, mocking us with chants of “That Danish cartoon was spot on, Muslim swine!” and “Your mama’s so haram, they performed her cliterectomy in effigy!” As he taunted us, lightning bolts flew at us from his eyes and flames lapped at us from his outstretched fingertips!

We were simply defending ourselves, much the same way we would be forced to defend ourselves against hordes of rampaging homosexuals who sought to subjugate us via their malevolent leers and impeccable sense of fashion -if such creatures in fact existed