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  1. #1
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    charleyboy's Avatar
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    Passport renewal.

    ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:

    This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

    Dear Sirs,

    I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

    Do you guys do this by hand?

    My birth date you have on my pension book.

    It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

    It is on my National Health card.

    My driving licence.

    My car insurance.

    On the last eight damn passports I've had.

    It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

    All those insufferable census forms.

    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

    I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
    Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

    You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

    What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

    Look at my damn picture.

    Do I look like Bin Laden?

    I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

    And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

    If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

    Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of 30.

    Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

    Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

    You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

    Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

    Signed

    An Irate Citizen

    P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

    Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

    I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

    However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

    WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!

  2. #2
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    ^ facebook ?

  3. #3
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    here's some more facebook bollocks



    B&Q JOB APPLICATION

    This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

    They hired him because he was so funny....

    NAME:
    Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

    SEX:
    Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

    DESIRED POSITON:
    Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.


    If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

    DESIRED SALARY:
    150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION:
    Yes.

    LAST POSITON HELD:
    Target for middle management hostility.

    PREVIOUS SALARY:
    A lot less than I’m worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
    My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING:
    It was a crap job.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
    Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS:
    1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
    Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
    If I had one, would I be here'?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
    Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
    I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
    I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer,


    so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?:
    On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
    Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
    Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

    NEAREST RELATIVE?:
    7 miles

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
    Oh yes. absolutely.

    -------------------------------------------

    After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter - a good find for many retirees. I lasted less than a day . .


    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bognor babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q."
    I then said,"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

    The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins?

    Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

    I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."

    My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

    ***Old People Rock!***

  4. #4
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Can any Aussies on here confirm this one ?


    This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you’ll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FM morning show in Sydney .
    The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called ‘Mate Match’. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers ‘yes’,he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

    One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you’ve heard yet.

    Anyway, here’s how it all went down:

    DJ: ‘Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?’

    Contestant: (laughing) ‘Yes, I have.’

    DJ: ‘Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.’

    Contestant: ‘Brian.’

    DJ: ‘Brian, are you married or what?’

    Brian: (laughing nervously) ‘Yes, I am married.’

    DJ: ‘Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.’

    Brian: ‘Sara.’

    DJ: ‘Is Sara at work, Brian?’

    Brian: ‘She is gonna kill me.’

    DJ: ‘Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?’

    Brian: (laughing) ‘Yes, she’s at work.’

    DJ: ‘Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?’

    Brian: ‘About 8 o’clock this morning.’

    DJ: ‘Atta boy, Brian.’

    Brian: (laughing sheepishly) ‘Well…’

    DJ: ‘Question #2 – How long did it last?’

    Brian: ‘About 10 minutes.’

    DJ: ‘Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.’

    Brian: ‘Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.’

    DJ: ‘Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning?

    Brian: (laughing hard) ‘I, ummm, I, well…’

    DJ: ‘This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?’

    Brian: ‘Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks…’

    DJ: ‘Uh huh…’

    Brian: ‘…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.’

    DJ: ‘Atta boy, Brian.’

    Brian: ‘On the kitchen table.’

    DJ: ‘Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife’s work number and call her up.

    [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

    DJ: ‘Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?’
    (Touch tones…..ringing….)

    Clerk: ‘Kinkos.’

    DJ: ‘Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?’

    Clerk: ‘This is she.’

    DJ: ‘Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.’

    Sarah: (laughing) ‘A couple of hours?’

    DJ: ‘Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?’

    Sarah: ‘No.’

    DJ: ‘Good!’

    Brian: (laughing)

    Sarah: (laughing) ‘Brian, what the hell are you up to?’

    Brian: (laughing) ‘Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.’

    DJ: ‘Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

    Sarah: (laughing) ‘Yes.’

    DJ: ‘All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?’

    Sarah: ‘Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.’

    DJ: ‘What time?’

    Sarah: ‘Around 8 this morning.’

    DJ: ‘Very good. Next question. How long did it last?’

    Sarah: ’12, 15 minutes maybe.’

    DJ: ‘Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?’

    Sarah: (laughing) ‘Yes.’

    DJ: ‘Where did you have it?’

    Sarah: ‘OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?’

    Brian: ‘Just tell him, honey.’

    DJ: ‘What is bothering you so much, Sarah?’

    Sarah: ‘Well…’

    DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?

    Sarah: ‘Up the arse…..’

    They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.
    Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions

  5. #5
    Pedantic bastard
    nidhogg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy View Post
    ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:

    This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.


    On the last eight damn passports I've had.


    Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of 30.


    P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
    Nice, mildly amusing, but not true.

    You do NOT need signed photos on a passport renewal (only on the first issue) and you do not send a copy of the birth cert on a renewal (only on the first application). More to the point, if it is a first application, you would need to send an original, not a photocopy.

  6. #6
    Thailand Expat
    charleyboy's Avatar
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    Must be true...Twas on Facebook!

    You need to lighten up, it's in the 'stories' section.

  7. #7
    Pedantic bastard
    nidhogg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by charleyboy View Post
    Must be true...Twas on Facebook!
    I withdraw my post!

  8. #8
    Thailand Expat
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    I was asked to prove I was British
    The Embassy in BKK said that it was standard procedure for those not born in the UK
    Understand the writers feelings.
    I was damn angry as I think of myself as an Angle.
    (obtuse obviously!)

  9. #9
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by good2bhappy
    I was asked to prove I was British
    The Embassy in BKK said that it was standard procedure for those not born in the UK
    why did they ask and how did you prove it ?

    I was born outside the UK and had no problem replacing a lost passport

  10. #10
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    good2bhappy's Avatar
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    My birth certificate

  11. #11
    ความสุขในอีสาน
    nigelandjan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    was born outside the UK
    Thats an easy mistake to make mate , but I can confirm Selly Oak is inside the UK

  12. #12
    RUSH HER TODAY
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    Quote Originally Posted by good2bhappy View Post
    I was asked to prove I was British
    The Embassy in BKK said that it was standard procedure for those not born in the UK
    Understand the writers feelings.
    I was damn angry as I think of myself as an Angle.
    (obtuse obviously!)
    They are checking to see if your a right angle

  13. #13
    I am in Jail
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    ^They were angling for you to try, angle

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