The Thailand expat forum for Travel, Lifestyle and Fun.

dirtydog

For those of you that want to stick a hose pipe up their bum and turn the tap on they have colon cleansing spas all over Thailand.

Did you know that your poo tube has a few kilos of poo in it and some of it could be up to 10 years old, yep thats why farts smell so good, erm, bad.

Anyway from a place in Koh Samui.

Here’s what’s going on: each day, you’re inundated with polluted air, impure water, chemical additives in foods, and radiation from electronic devices.



In an ideal world, your body would naturally cleanse itself; but when we work too much, sleep too little, and skip-out on exercise, TONS of this toxic goop gets stuck in your digestive track and buried deep down in your body’s fatty tissues.

This is disgusting.
The average person has 3-6 kilos
of hardened fecal matter in their colon!
Remember that McDonald’s Big Mac you ate back in 1997? And the chocolate bars you snack on at the office? And what about those onion & vinegar-flavored crisps that you just can’t seem to give up

Some that junk food is probably still in your gut, hardened and rotting, and making you feel like a crap! And no matter how many prunes or apples you eat, that stuff isn’t coming out anytime soon!
And that’s the magic of
professional colonic irrigation!
Let me be clear about something: colon hydrotherapy is not an enema!

Enemas are a very superficial way to clean the last 20 centimeters of the colon; and while this is great for someone with constipation, it does nothing to get rid of that hardened fecal matter in your gut that’s making you look and feel like a whale!

Colon Cleanse Center Thailand









he New Body and Mind program of detoxification and purification merges the ancient healing arts of the East with the technological advancements of the West. Combining yoga, meditation, breathing exercises, herbal cleansing, shiatsu massage, Thai herbal steams,dietary education, fasting, colonic irrigation, colon cleansing and extensive workshops, we offer unparalleled detox, weight-loss and rejuvenation programmes that change lives.

Now, following eight years working with many thousands of guests at our facility on Koh Samui, New Body and Mind has answered the call for a more luxurious executive retreat and spa that offers the same personalized detox and rejuvenation programmes at a magnificent four-star beach resort.






Rainbow Arokaya is a world-renowned holistic health center featuring the latest alternative medical treatment specialized in illness prevention. Unlike any spa, we have dedicated ourselves toward empowering visitors with health awareness to live longer, healthier, and happier lives. Experience the best holistic care in all of Thailand and be swept away by our nurturing hospitality.



Tomorrow you can look forward to a thread on where in Thailand does the best Prostrate massage, thats if nawty ever gets back online

kingwilly

They have a special spa places here that use fish to clean your feet.. I was thinking of trying it out.

kingwilly

dirtydog

That got banned in Florida, the fish cleaning your feet, they are still allowed to cleanse their colons though, not with fish obviously.

The Fresh Prince

Had a couple of mates that did it. They said it was a bit weird. Bum on a pipe and all that?

chassamui

My dog always used to do mine, bit of a bugger since she died, i have to do it meself nowadays

kingwilly

why ?

sunsetter

tried it, was alright, hurt a bit then fack was i hungry after, got a massive boner becuase of the cute chick shoving pipe and lube up my arse, well worth a go for the experience, sat in this nice garden after drinking juices and teas, that was on samui i think??

__________________
ketamine-only fools and horses

kingwilly

dirtydog

I'll admit that I was curious. Who's not curious about their poo? That childhood sense of fascination and pride never really goes away. That's why we stand and gaze upon it lovingly before we flush it away. It's like losing an old friend. Occasionally I write my poo poetry in the form of hai-poo.

So I bought DrNatura's unfortunately-named "Colonix" kit for $75.00, which arrived in the mail a few days later. The three-step program consisted of all-natural pills, a powdered supplement, and herbal tea. The instruction manual promised that Colonix would empty my pooter of "mucus, toxins, and metabolic waste," not to mention "harmful parasites, including intestinal worms and their eggs."

Hold the phone. Worms!? A very real possibility, the manual explained, with more than 2.8 billion people infected with some form of roundworm or hookworm. I found this exciting, because I had plans to go fishing on Saturday.

I was a little worried about when to start the cleansing program, especially after seeing those pictures. "If you want to 'play it safe,'" the manual warned, "and you work from Monday to Friday, you should begin taking Colonix on a Saturday morning." They acted like poo would soon be shooting from every available orifice, like the fountains at the Bellagio.

I could just picture sitting in a meeting, when suddenly a reverse volcano of poo would shoot out of my ass, lifting me off my seat, with geysers of hot poo streaming from my trouser legs. I would be thrust around the conference room, like the jetpack guy at the Olympics, leaving a sad brown trail across the faces of my co-workers.

So I started taking it on Monday, just before work. I've always wanted to do that in a meeting.


More here.
ZUG: Funny People, Funny Stories, Funny Stuff!

Bung

The people who did it that I spoke to said you shit out something resembling a bicycle inner tube.

They were also shitting through colanders to check out the various things in it and compared them over breakfast.

Apparently you pretty much feel like your dying at the beginning, stink like a bums nut sack, and hallucinate but the end result is definately worth it.

I wouldn't mind having a go, as I do feel like and look like a whale albeit a hansum one.

__________________
Fahn Cahn's

dirtydog

I began taking the "Colonix" herbal colon cleaning program on a Monday morning, praying I wouldn't crap my pants at work. Here's what happened.

"It's impossible to make an herbal fiber blend taste very good and effective at the same time."
- from the Colonix instruction manual

You know you're in for a treat when the directions start with a line like this. Nervously, I scooped a spoonful of powdered herbs into a glass of water, stirring vigorously. The powder congealed into a clumpy mess, which I was barely able to choke down.



Imagine running your tongue along the musky scrotal sac of a male goat, and then, where you expected to find an anus, you found a kosher pickle wrapped in a slice of old pizza: that's what this stuff tastes like.



I chased the concoction with a handful of herbal capsules, and plenty of water. The key to herbal cleansing, apparently, is 8-10 glasses of water a day. I quickly learned that the hardest part of the program is drinking all that water. I don't like water: don't like the taste, the smell, or the way it makes you pee. I don't trust it. Anything that clear must be hiding something.

Fortunately, I found a simple way to drink 8-10 glasses of water: just make sure the water is contained in beer.


Water mixed with barley and hops.

I'm sorry to report that nothing happened during my first day on the program, besides me getting soul-crushingly drunk. I produced a single poo, which was small, hard, and quite brown, like a Hispanic midget.

"Although no particular diet is needed for the Colonix Program to work, eating healthy foods is always a good idea."
- from the Colonix instruction manual

Screw that advice. The way I figured it: more crap in one hole meant more crap out the other. Over the next week, I gorged myself on egg rolls at an enormous Chinese buffet. I ate the equivalent of a full-grown pig in barbecue, chased by an entire can of clam chowder. I went Kobayashi on a plate of porkchops smothered in french-fried donuts.



By day five, I was finally seeing results. My daily deposits became hearty and copious, like chocolate soft-serve. Encouraged by my newfound powers, I continued to eat more and more badly, knowing that I would be promptly cleansed by my high-powered fiber supplements. It was like having raucous parties at your house every night, because your cleaning service will show up the next morning to usher unwanted guests out the back door.



Over the Fourth of July holiday weekend, I have to admit that I went a little nuts. To honor our country, I ate red meat, white meat, and blue meat (I think the blue meat was penguin). I drank vodka by the bottle and wine by the box. I realized I was out of control when I found myself slugging down this can of iced gravy:



The next morning, I stared down in the toilet bowl and uttered that famous phrase: "Hey, I don't remember eating corn." You see, the Colonix was really working! It was cleansing my body of undigested corn that had been sitting in my colon for years!

I told my wife the exciting news. She was like, "You had corn three days ago. You were just too wasted to remember it."

"Oh yeah," I said dejectedly. "I do remember eating corn."



This was disappointing. I mean, was the Colonix really doing anything at all? Sure, I was taking Mexican-sized dumps, but I had just stuffed an entire Taco Bell franchise into my gaping maw. I really wanted to put my colon cleansing program to the test.

Then I had a brilliant idea: I would swallow a coin and see how long it took to go through.

Bummed Out: The Colon Cleansing Prank

kingwilly

apparently the latest spa's here used coffee infused water to wash your colon with....

sunsetter

yeah it did hurt like fark at the start

taxexile

complete nonsense.

although the sort of people who fall for this nonsensical quackology probably do have shit for brains.

blackgang

You can pobly get Bfly to give your colon a good ramming if you are interested in that kind of shit, but damn sure aint for me.
They got some of those Colon detox kits down at the Fachino pharmacy that is the coffee flavored ones, But I don't know how a Thai would use em, how would they know when they had enough sugar in it and would coffee mate be OK up the old bum?

taxexile

i believe its called a prolapsed rectum

Loy Toy

Fook going to one of those places and having someone stick a fireman's hose up your poop tube.

I reckon sculling one of these



Then letting the Mrs. have a good go at you the next morning with one of these should do the trick!

sunsetter

^ nice mate looks like a fun night in




naa dont think it is

Rectal Prolapse

nothing about bycycle inner tubes there

Loy Toy

Not really mate, I have an infected eye, the forum is as boring as fvck with everyone being jailed now and were out of drano!

DaffyDuck

Amen!

Thank you!

DaffyDuck

Nicely put.

Absolute bullshit -- though it's amazing how gullible some people can be, buying into this kind of shit (literally).

Not quite - what's making you look and feel like a whale is the accumulated and excess fat from an unhealthy diet, not some hardened poo in your colon.

Our bodies have developed a great method to evacuate poop from our bodies -- it's called pooping.

Then again, I have a friend whose wife swears by these things -- then again, she's not the brightest either. QED.

dirtydog

Looks like you lot in Bangkok are alright for the old hose up the bum treatment, this from Samsara Wellness.

Bet your wondering how much it costs to have a hose up your bum for 45 minutes? Just a mere 2,000baht, DIY anyone?

Samsara wellness

»» What is a colonic
A colonic is the process of using filtered water, different temperatures and pressures through a tube inserted via the rectum to wash the large bowel. Water is allowed to flow in, under gentle pressure and maybe introduced alone or combined with an organic coffee, to cleanse the harmful bacteria, virus, parasites and toxin waste. Ozone (o3) is being used during a colonic, this will help to absorb into the old encrusted waste products that are lining the intestinal walls. The oxidizing action will breakup the old fecal waste. Ozone (o3) oxidizes the toxin waste before re-absorbing into the wall of colon and also controlled the unpleasant odors in the treatment room. »» Colon irrigation
Colon is the major part of the large intestine. It consists of the ascending colon, transverse colon, descending colon and the sigmoid colon.

»» Benefits of Colonics
Colon cleansing is safe and effective procedure and there for everyone, Colonics improve circulation by increasing the absorption of water through the large intestine which helps to bath cells, flush toxins and cleanse the kidneys and skin aswell the bowel. The benefits can often be quickly observed in the form of improved bowel function together with clearer complexion, more mental clarity.

chassamui

^ Drinking water has a similar effect.

BugginOut

Sheer quackery.