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  1. #1
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    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Ticked off the list: every single item of fare on the Whetherspoons' menu

    Regardless of your take on Thai tucker, the abundance of eateries on Siamese soil purveying fresh and affordable fodder cannot be called in to question. Somtam shacks, noodle soup stands, pad krapow peddlers... the list continues until you're sucking pig's blood through a straw whilst teasing buffalo innards out of a bowl with a pair of chopsticks.

    Here in the UK we are not afforded such exotic options - especially at rates so competitive. Eating out on a whim here doesn't tend to transpire - unless you pop into Tescos of a lunch time and snap up one of their £3 meal deals. But these invariably taste bland - rendering the palate redunant and the consumer quite frankly disgusted. My, for three pounds in Thailand I could dine on a veritable feast, dished up by some scantily shod harlot with pert buttocks and mammaries that just will not quit.

    No, not here. Here we have a Bangladeshi octogenarian with a penchant for rambunctuous nasal ingestions manning the Tescos cigarette counter.

    Oh woe! Oh great great woe is me!

    Rumunating on life's imponderables at the start of this year, I decided that enough was enough - and if I was to subject myself to another 12 months minimum of commuting in the drizzle I should at least try to enjoy it. Indeed, my new years resolution was to sample every single fucking item of fare on the Wetherspoons menu - and be damned with financial reprocussions. Having said that, though, Whetherspoons is only a rung or two above the Tesco £3 pound meal deal in terms of cost and, on occasion, taste, as you are about to discover.

    Let's go...

    Back in late December I was hit with a dose of flu which totally sabotaged my first Christmas dinner on British turf for over a decade. Despite having a spread of stuffing, ham, turkey, sausage encased with bacon, roasties, and several acres worth of seasonal veg in front of me, I couldn't even muster the energy or the inclination to take a sip of wine. I was naturally incredibly concerned at this.

    A few days after Christmas - the 30th if memory serves - I was picking up a few bits from Sainsbury's when the beckoning doors of the local Whetherspoons caught my eye, and even more notably a sign proclaiming that they were still serving Christmas dinners.

    I indulged.

    For 7.50 including a drink I wasn't expecting an impeccably executed turkey roast, but looking at the presentation I could only muse that it had been prepared by a chef with mssing limbs and learning difficulties.

    Turkey - processed
    Spuds - nearly raw
    Veg - ditto above
    Stuffing -dry, resembled something I once retreived from the depths of my right nostril after a two- week cocaine binge
    Yorkshire pudding - Yorkshire pudding? With a fucking Christmas dinner? Philistines! But it tasted OK.



    This didn't bode well; I still had some 30-odd menu entries to work my way through.

  2. #2
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    I haven't been to Weatherspoons for a while but the steak nights on Tuesday's were actually surprisingly ok, think it was 2 steaks and a bottle of wine for somewhere between £15 and £20, obviously you get what you pay for but I've had a lot worse steaks that cost a lot more.

  3. #3
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    with the proliferation of good pub food, sensibly sourced, properly cooked and politely served available at reasonable cost almost everywhere these days it is surprising that anyone would still feel the need to eat microwaved mulch at wetherspoons, unless it was a dire emergency.


    I'll tell you what's wrong with Wetherspoon's - it's run by a man named Tim.


    Will Self's "Real Meals" column.



    BY WILL SELF PUBLISHED 1 MARCH, 2013 - 09:25



    Photograph: Getty Images.

    I once asked Martin Amis how an interview had gone with a particular journalist and he thought for a moment before shrug-sneering, “Well, y’know, he was a Tim.”

    When I was a kid we used to stop on the school run to pick up the son of the then MP for King’s Lynn, Christopher Brocklebank-Fowler (not so much a wet as utterly saturated, he was the only Tory to defect to the SDP in 1981). Brocklebank-Fowler junior was called Tim, and my sadistic brother and I would tease him: “Timmy-Timmy-Timmy,” while he futilely protested that he was a Timothy.

    It’s my contention that the likes of, say, Tim Henman the tennis player, or Tim Parks the writer, would have had enjoyed a great deal more success if they’d simply changed their names. There’s a prejudice against people called Tim; true, it’s not on a par with racism, sexism or homophobia but there’s little doubt that your life chances will be constrained should your otherwise risk-averse parents have had the temerity to Tim you.

    All of which is by way of introducing Tim Martin: the 6’6”, mullet-sporting originator of J D Wetherspoon, an invasion-of-thebody- snatchers style pub chain that operates some 833 outlets throughout the British Isles, together with 17 hotels.

    Martin, who retains a 25 per cent share of the publicly listed company, rejoices in the sobriquet “the giant of the British pub industry”. But it doesn’t matter how much wonga the man trousers (pre-tax profits were £66m in the crash year of 2009), he can never escape the fact of his Timness, any more than he can elude its miserable correlate: his pubs are shit, brown dollops of establishments smeared incontinently across our cities. Actually, “shit” is a little strong for Wetherspoon – a bit too gamey; they’re more shit-lite.

    The clever thing is that he doesn’t style most of them “Wetherspoon’s” but retains their original names – the Dog & Duck, the Duke of York, whatever – so that it isn’t until you’ve sidled up to the bar, clocked the plethora of guest beers – Diamond Geezer, Comfortably Numb etc – written up on blackboards in faux chalk-strokes, and registered the corporate vibe that you realise you are in fact in another soulless bloody Wetherspoon’s.

    As to why Martin should’ve dubbed his pub chain thus, the answer lies in his back story: a troubled youth who was an inmate of no fewer than 11 institutions (a sort of chain education, if you will), Martin did some school-time in New Zealand, where one ineffectual disciplinarian of a teacher was dumb enough to tell the young mulleteer that he would never succeed in business. What was this pitiful pedagogue’s name? Why, Wetherspoon, of course.

    I see a sort of nominative determinism at work here: Tim’s pubs are shit not only because he’s called “Tim” but also because they’re named after an object of resentment. And you know what they say about resentment: it’s like drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die.

    Sadly, it isn’t Wetherspoon who’s dying (he probably expired years ago) – but us. It doesn’t matter that Martin was quick off the mark when it came to introducing no-smoking areas, nor that he’s been a staunch supporter of micro-breweries, nothing can counteract the excremental quality of these establishments.

    The boy and I checked out the one nearest to us, which happens to be in Victoria Station. It also happens to rejoice in the actual Wetherspoon’s name, but while you might’ve expected it to live up to its flagship status, we found a poky joint crammed with tables.

    The standard chain-pub-fare was on offer: burgers, sub-curries, toasties, pasta and pies. His bacon cheeseburger wasn’t tasty enough to be horse: the cheese hadn’t even melted and the bacon had been fried rather than grilled, so the whole comestible – when at last it arrived – was both frigid and congealed. My battered cod was at the nadir for this dish: the casing hard, the interior mush. At least it was hot – unlike the chips, which were like cardboard but not as tasty.

    I suppose some might say: well, what do you expect? This is a busy location. To which I would rejoin: I don’t care, there’s a grim cynicism involved in flogging such drek; it demeans the customer and the worker.

    Looking around me at the other oblong platters on the tables, I saw that many of them had been barely touched. I did eat my food and so left with an unpleasant film inside my mouth. Still, tomorrow morning my palate will be cleansed – but he’ll always be a Tim.
    I'll tell you what's wrong with Wetherspoon's - it's run by a man named Tim

  4. #4
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    Slap, I don't think I've ever eaten in a Whetherspoons. Maybe once a long time ago. I'm not sure. I'll have to check.

    As for Tescos, I agree with you. Poor quality food, poorly kept and poor service in my experience.

    Morrissons however, are much better. Better food, better service at a similar price. And kids accompanied by an adult eat free at 5pm.


    Café - Morrisons
    signature

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    This tuna baguette at just south of a fiver was truly uninspiring. I've seen lengths of toilet tissue with more zing.
    However, the chips, as I am now fully aware, are often relied on to be the hero of the dish...

    They just about saved the day on this occasion.


  6. #6
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by buriramboy
    think it was 2 steaks and a bottle of wine for somewhere between £15 and £20
    They aren't doing that deal anymore. I sincerely wish that they were though.



    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile
    unless it was a dire emergency.
    ... which it obviously is.



    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna
    Morrissons
    Morrisions. Or Mozzers to me and me mates (yes we have a nickname for a supermarket). Two words - hash and brown. Loads of 'em please Sheila, and not so stingy with the beans this week.

  7. #7
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    When you see those delivery freezer trucks with the logo 3663 on the sideboard, just recall that it is packaged ready to eat meals, prepared by Thai wives working in the factory that produces this food in Sittingbourne.
    Anoraks time.
    Pub quizzes
    3663 comes from the mobile phone keyboard.
    Spell food on the phone.

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
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    The hallowed All Day Breakfast. Certainly not without its charm, and with most components boasting sufficient heat I was led to believe that one of the more microwave canny members of staff was in residence on the day of eating. But again, I have issues with the presentation - surely a sausage should be used as a breakwater between the egg and beans?


  9. #9
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by wasabi
    prepared by Thai wives working in the factory that produces this food in Sittingbourne.
    ...in Kent. The garden of England. Where multitudes of fresh seasonal produce doth grow.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by wasabi
    prepared by Thai wives working in the factory that produces this food in Sittingbourne.
    ...in Kent. The garden of England. Where multitudes of fresh seasonal produce doth grow.


    None of which is used in their factory frozen meals.

    Good lord, I'm surprised you are still alive..

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    None of which is used in their factory frozen meals.
    In which case I shall be penning a robust letter to their buyers.

    I want my garden peas and cabbage grown in Kent, dammit... Tim.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    the chips, as I am now fully aware, are often relied on to be the hero of the dish...

  13. #13
    Molecular Mixup
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    Weathersoops is just a place to conduct anthropological studies.

    It attracting the lowest, grubby looking, grunting tattooed scum in the land, and that's just the staff .

    It's worth a pre 9am visit to watch the assorted chavs with a thirst that desperately needs slaking, waiting for the opening session .

    A slightly later visit, 10 am ish offers the sight of fat arsed women supping pints.

    The whole pub seems to have bought a Radar disabled toilet key each from ebay or Amazon to save walking up the 5 steps to the normal bogs.

    The food ?
    The customers are the adult version of a spotty young teenage couple who think they are sophisticated by dinning in a Mac Donalds restaurant .

    The staff that eat it seem to put on 2 or 3 pounds every single week, until their minimum wage ,zero hours contract job runs its course.

    Utter crap fare, straight into the microwave from frozen
    ding ding ding,

    Don't get me started on them old men buying real ale, the highlight seems to be if the pint does not settle, what a conversation point !,all sat examining and peering into the glass like watching a mini volcano .

    Then the mangiest of Wetherspoon customers will be showcased by the door, yes, the smokers :yellow fingers, green teeth, stinking clothes with their ubiquitous delightful sticky wet sounding ,hacking phlegmy cough.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by blue
    It attracting the lowest, grubby looking, grunting tattooed scum in the land
    *Doths the proverbial*

  15. #15
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    This Mexican burger probably comprised a week's worth of calories, but that tends not to matter when one is nuts deep in guacamole - and those chillis... you know you've hit the mother lode when you've still got lunch on the belch after dinner.


  16. #16
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    you know you've hit the mother lode when you've still got lunch on the belch after dinner.
    the belches are the least of ones problems, it is the steatorrhoeic flatus three days down the line that serve to painfully and messily remind one, and anyone in the same room or possibly in the same county, of the toxic nature of that greasy feast that seemed so satisfying at the time, when due to encountering that perfect storm of gnawing hunger, selfish gluttony and fist clenching parsimony one found oneself being willingly yet uncontrollably taken over by alien forces and sucked in through the portals of the nearest wetherspoons and into the gastronomic black hole within.
    Last edited by taxexile; 09-03-2015 at 05:58 AM.

  17. #17
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Somtamslap, you lardy arsed fucker.

    I implore you to stop eating that shit - i am deeply concerned that i may never see the 5 quid that you owe me ever again.

  18. #18
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    Wetherspoon to spend €50 million on 30 new Irish pubs


    JD Wetherspoon says its Irish expansion plan is expected to create up to 1,350 new jobs. Photograph: Tim Ireland/PA Wire

    British pub chain JD Wetherspoon is gearing up for a major assault on the Irish pub market with plans to open 30 new pubs over the next five years. The company, which has been at the centre of a row over pricing in Irish pubs, says it plans to spend €50 million establishing its low-cost brand in Ireland.

    The move is likely to increase price competition in the sector which is dominated by two large drink suppliers – Heineken and Diageo – and a host of small, individual publicans with little buying power.

    Wetherspoon already operates two pubs in south Dublin, but has acquired five more sites in Dublin, Cork and Waterford. Earlier this month it bought the former Camden Hall hostel on Camden Street in Dublin, which it plans to turn into a 100-room hotel and pub on the back of a €4 million investment. The company’s aggressive Irish expansion plan is expected to create up to 1,350 new jobs.

    Wetherspoon to spend ?50 million on 30 new Irish pubs

  19. #19
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    The target customer laps it all up.



    All hail to John Huston - the CEO. He has a plan and is succeeding.
    A tray full of GOLD is not worth a moment in time.

  20. #20
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    The chips appear to be frozen/processed.
    No class.....

  21. #21
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    I am surprised mate you eat any of that shit in there .

    Anyway thanks for the heads up pal , I have never been in one , and for sure now I have seen that shit whats on offer I never will !

    Cheers

  22. #22
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    I honestly don't think I could eat any of the stuff pictured.

  23. #23
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    All processed shit designed to give you bowel cancer later in life

    Whetherspoons should be liable !

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile
    and fist clenching parsimony
    Eight of us ate in there a few weeks back - 4 adults, 4 kids.

    The bill, including drinks was less than 40 quid.

    That's third world pricing right there.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    I implore you to stop eating that shit
    With every item ticked off the list, I think I just might.

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