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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Ordering the steak in Isaan...

    Firstly, don't.

    Secondly, if you do, you're an idiot.

    Thirdly, if you do, you're an idiot who will presently be doing one of the following:

    a) scuttling to the nearest washroom facility with a view to swiftly emancipate the recently consumed fare via a trembling anal passarge (Passarge not passage - it's how posh people say it, didn't you know).

    b) gathering the chef's collar in the tight grip of both fists before violently introducing your forehead to the bridge of his nose for having the audacity to present you with such a soulless slab of flesh.

    c) going cross-eyed, mouth dripping with a thick lather of saliva, howling blue-murder into the vacuum of pending insanity. One must factor in the very real possibility that your steak will comprise rabid soi dog remains, testes included.

    Being incredibly stupid, I used to visit my local steak house in Isaan on a fairly regular basis. Regardless of the chef's previous bad form; infractions included misinterpreting 'medium-rare' to mean 'burnt', and the accompanying 'french fly' being issued in single figures - I'd enter the eatery with sanguine paces, certain that today would yield satisfaction come the cessation of the repast. After all, having one's sustenance intake limited to the repellent grain for a month makes a zinger tower burger meal look like a 17 course spread at the Savoy.



    But this steak, this steak signified the end of the sadomasochistic fling I'd been having with this cold-hearted bitch of a restaurant.

    I ordered the fillet. Medium well, please, and garcon, you may bring me a smoked salmon appetizer to be presented at least five minutes before the steak.

    The salad was very tasty indeed; the chef exhibiting the knowledge of his profession by giving it a light dusting of dill.



    Because my starter had been so good, I was quietly optimistic about the steak, and five minutes later it was brought to me by a sassy young waitress, her east Asian bust doing its best to implode.

    On initial inspection the fillet looked innocuous enough, appetizing even.

    However, my first mouthful had the taste and texture of a self-adhesive floor tile. It was literally inedible.

    I beckoned over the server of small-breast fame and informed her of my plight.

    Kortort, she said, looking at my plate with disinterest.

    Kortort? Kortort doesn't negate the fact I've been dished up an 8oz lump of chewing gum for lunch, does it?



    KFC. I cannot extol the virtues of a bargain bucket enough...

  2. #2
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    Breny's Avatar
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    Where the hell is the aformentioned "steak"

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Kortort
    A shoulder shrug and an i dont give a fuck look.Come on mate thats as good as it gets.
    As for the turd on your plate welllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

  4. #4
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    I thought Slaps was in Croydon?

    Do they do smoked salmon in Issan???

  5. #5
    Excitable Boy
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    They will leave a steak in the freezer for years before someone foolish enough to order it shows up, then give it a quick blast in the microwave for defrosting before committing further crimes against nature and slapping it on your plate.

    Bad move, my friend, bad move...

  6. #6
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    Got to say, in Isaan's defence, I treated myself to a filet steak at the beer garden outside the Kosa Hotel in Khon Kaen a few days back and, though a bit small, it wasn't bad at all (the steak that is, the hotel is enormous).

    Sorry, no pics as I was a bit hungry at the time and rather selfishly thoughts of filling my stomach trumped any thoughts of filling a potential post on TD.

  7. #7
    Can I still change this?
    Bogon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breny
    Where the hell is the aformentioned "steak"
    I presume that Slapper's went for the steak mignon.

    Which should look like this before it hits the frying pan and oven...



    and should look like this after...



    If I can be so vulgar. I think you were actually served this...

    Black diamonds? I shit 'em.

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breny
    Where the hell is the aformentioned "steak"
    Underneath the mushroom, pepper and gloop melange.



    Quote Originally Posted by Bogon
    I presume that Slapper's went for the steak mignon
    Quite - the fillet mignon, Bogie.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Do they do smoked salmon in Issan???
    If you know the right people, Betsy, they do anything you damn well please.



    Quote Originally Posted by FailSafe
    Bad move, my friend, bad move...
    At least I didn't opt for the considerably dearer New York strip...on this occasion.



    Quote Originally Posted by Roobarb
    Sorry, no pics
    Pics or it didn't happen.



    Quote Originally Posted by bobo746
    Come on mate thats as good as it gets
    I expected either a price reduction or a hand job under the table. Either would suffice. But no, I got Kortorted.

  9. #9
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    Albert Shagnastier's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I expected either a price reduction or a hand job under the table. Either would suffice. But no, I got Kortorted.
    Can't win 'em all Fella

  10. #10
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    Yes, but for 150 baht what did you expect?

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kingwilly
    Yes, but for 150 baht what did you expect?
    'Twas a bit dearer than that, old bean.

    Although 150 would've been about 100 baht too steep.

  12. #12
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    Yes, but the point remains for 290 baht or 370 as well. Unless you paid 1,000 then I'd understand your steak rage...

  13. #13
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    Why on earth would one order a mignon filet in Issan???

  14. #14
    I am in Jail

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    Willy Its called tongue in cheek humour

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yasojack View Post
    Willy Its called tongue in cheek humour
    Is it? Ooooh.


    Thanks Captain Obvious.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo View Post
    I thought Slaps was in Croydon?

    Do they do smoked salmon in Issan???
    He, like others, hasn't learned [even over trialed periods] that Thais don't do Farang fare that well.

  17. #17
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    the wife does steak in her "restaurant" in ubon ,
    59 baht & yummy.

  18. #18
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  19. #19
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    ^can she open a branch in NN...

    Local to my house in NN there's a place that does T-bone for about 159 baht, and it's good...

  20. #20
    Lord of Swine
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    Quote Originally Posted by moose65 View Post

    After your file uploads you think yu are done, but you aren't, you have to hit continue and assign it to an album.

  21. #21
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by moose65
    59 baht & yummy.
    I bet it is. Had plenty of those cheap cuts and they are very good value - although chips are often dramatically lacking.



    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    ^can she open a branch in NN...
    You're right on top of Khao Yai, Betsy. Home of the steak house in Thailand. You can't see the steak for the cows, Bets, you rude fucker.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    You're right on top of Khao Yai, Betsy. Home of the steak house in Thailand. You can't see the steak for the cows, Bets, you rude fucker.
    Let me know when your passing, I'll take you out for an ok steak and a glass of wine (about 220 baht...).

  23. #23
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Let me know when your passing
    For sure. It won't be for a few year's unfortunately.

    I have to do some work. Most perturbing it is.

  24. #24
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    ^still, could be worse - could be Croydon!!!

  25. #25
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bettyboo
    Croydon
    It has an excellent variety of shops. Unfortunately though, any given shopping experience is made to a soundtrack of kunt kunt kunt on a perpetual loop. Kunt is definitely Croydon's favourite word.

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