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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Master Chef TeakDoor 2014

    I watch an insalubrious quota of cookery programs.

    I've recently been feasting on three year old episodes of Masterchef U.S.A, featuring judges Gordon Ramsey, a Scotch twat with anger issues, Graham Elliot, a fat kunt who looks and sounds like porky the pig, and Joe Bastianich, a miserable bastard who thinks he's the fucking godfather.

    Yesterday I inadvertently clicked on Masterchef Junior. It immediately incited hatred.

    "Hi I'm Chip, nine years old from Long Beach, California, and today I'm going to a be cooking pan-seared venison with a mango glaze, served on a bed of garlic and basil infused mashed potatoes with a side of roasted seasonal vegetables."

    " Hi I'm Nadia, two years old from Staten Island, New York, and today I'm going to be preparing you grilled pepper stuffed lobster tail with a side of kimchi and a homemade tartare sauce."

    Right you bastards.

    Get a load of this.

    "Hi I'm Slap, 36 years old from the middle of the fucking jungle, and today I'm going to make you a poached egg sandwich...



    Bow before you master, impotent fools!

    Task number one: Eggs

    You should create a stunning egg dish using one of the these four mediums:

    Fried

    Poached

    Scrambled

    Omelet


    A winner's poll for this first task will be added ten days from now...

    3...2...1....GO!

    By the way, the poached egg pictured is the best I've ever cooked - hence the photo.

    I used a Jedi mind trick to stop the white from dispersing and turning into a selection of useless bits.

    Great eh?

  2. #2
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
    withnallstoke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    "Hi I'm Slap, 36 years old from the middle of the fucking jungle, and today I'm going to make you a poached egg sandwich...
    No mention of weight, i see.

  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    No mention of weight, i see.
    Hi I'm Slap and I'm not in the least bit overweight. I even caught a rare glimpse of my gland last June.

  4. #4
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    It should come in around 400g including bread.

  5. #5
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iceman123
    It should come in around 400Kg including head.
    Fixed for you.

  6. #6
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    As Ramsey would say,you fecking idiot i can't eat that its disgusting you never added any vinegar to the poaching water.
    Not even fit for a soi dog to eat,now get out of my kitchen.
    Personally i think looks very tasty Mr Slap good effort.

  7. #7
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    Fuck that egg looks terrible.

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    you never added any vinegar to the poaching water
    I ruddy well did, you know. Balsamic at that.

    Still turned out shit.

    Oh and I tried creating a whirlpool in the water prior to that attempt. It does not, repeat, does not work. The egg white slinked off into the ether, never to be seen or heard from again.

  9. #9
    En route
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    That's heading in the direction of eggs benidict.
    All you need is a slice of ham and some hollandaise sauce.
    I've tried the whirlpool thing as well, doesn't work, ramsey's an idiot.
    Bread looks good.

  10. #10
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fondles
    Fuck that egg looks terrible.
    A charming critique.

  11. #11
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Bow to the Master, Charleyboy. And his bread with crust.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Fondles
    Fuck that egg looks terrible.
    A charming critique.

    Mate it look like an egg yolk sitting atop a pile of coagulated sperm.

  13. #13
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    wel wel, we have our own Gordon Ramsay

  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Koojo
    That's heading in the direction of eggs benidict.
    A possibility for the tournament - any takers?

    Did you notice how I positioned the only condiment worth its salt (exceptionally good pun intended) at the forefront of the background. Makes me look both rich and hunky, I feel.


    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Bow to the Master, Charleyboy.
    Yes Charles, bow. I command thee!

  15. #15
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    Take your word for it Fondles - my jism tends to terminate in my lady's birth canal.

    But interesting little recipe you have there.

  16. #16
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fondles View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Fondles
    Fuck that egg looks terrible.
    A charming critique.

    Mate it look like an egg yolk sitting atop a pile of coagulated sperm.

    Thanks for explaining, didn't realise that was the egg.
    I thought slapper had coughed into the bowl.

  17. #17
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fondles
    Mate it look like an egg yolk sitting atop a pile of coagulated sperm.
    A vibrant yolk, expectant of both fork and palate, sat abreast an enlivened impeccably seasoned white - I think you'll find.

  18. #18
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    I thought slapper had coughed into the bowl.
    Or farted.

  19. #19
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    On that bombshell....

    Any takers?

  20. #20
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    looks like a gob of lung butter to me.

  21. #21
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Err..would it be possibly for people to please stop cunting off my FUCKING POACHED EGG.

    How about a nice omelet...


    Or a benedict, as Koojo suggested...



    Or perhaps a fluffy scrambled offering...


  22. #22
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    I shall be poaching my egg in maidens water served on a bed of brulee baguette.

    I was out of aforementioned water when Dillie visited, I pissed in the pot!

  23. #23
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    Fuck me is that capsicum on that omelet ?

  24. #24
    Lord of Swine
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    I used a Jedi mind trick to stop the white from dispersing and turning into a selection of useless bits.

    Great eh?

    Impressive.
    I just use cling film and reserve the jedi tricks for wanking.

    This "sandwich" as you deem it. One mouthfull of lovely egg yolk then several mouthfulls of tasteless papp.

    -1

  25. #25
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    How about a nice omelet...
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Or a benedict
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    fluffy scrambled offering
    Raging woofters food.

    Stick to toilet trading slapper.

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