Thread: Master Chef TeakDoor 2014

Can somebody, and I quote, 'Cook the man some fucking eggs' please.

It amazes me how eggs prepared differently can taste so different.
Fried eggs, different to boiled eggs different to omelette eggs and poached eggs having a very distinct flavour.

Hmmm. This thread's rather like the first eights seconds of this video...

Originally Posted by somtamslap

I watch an insalubrious quota of cookery programs.

I've recently been feasting on three year old episodes of Masterchef U.S.A, featuring judges Gordon Ramsey, a Scotch twat with anger issues, Graham Elliot, a fat kunt who looks and sounds like porky the pig, and Joe Bastianich, a miserable bastard who thinks he's the fucking godfather.

Yesterday I inadvertently clicked on Masterchef Junior. It immediately incited hatred.

"Hi I'm Chip, nine years old from Long Beach, California, and today I'm going to a be cooking pan-seared venison with a mango glaze, served on a bed of garlic and basil infused mashed potatoes with a side of roasted seasonal vegetables."

" Hi I'm Nadia, two years old from Staten Island, New York, and today I'm going to be preparing you grilled pepper stuffed lobster tail with a side of kimchi and a homemade tartare sauce."

Right you bastards.

Get a load of this.

"Hi I'm Slap, 36 years old from the middle of the fucking jungle, and today I'm going to make you a poached egg sandwich...



Bow before you master, impotent fools!

Task number one: Eggs

You should create a stunning egg dish using one of the these four mediums:

Fried

Poached

Scrambled

Omelet


A winner's poll for this first task will be added ten days from now...

3...2...1....GO!

By the way, the poached egg pictured is the best I've ever cooked - hence the photo.

I used a Jedi mind trick to stop the white from dispersing and turning into a selection of useless bits.

Great eh?

I watched Masterchef Junior as well...... I could have cheerfully strangled all those little shits!!.... Anyway, The Taste S2 is now out with the luscious Nigella as a judge!!! Food Porn!

We interrupt this program, because we want to...

Originally Posted by somtamslap

"Hi I'm Chip, nine years old from Long Beach, California,

Young chip will likely end up being gay i reckon, pan seared venison with a mango glaze, What the fucks all that about eh?

Originally Posted by beerlaodrinker

Originally Posted by somtamslap

"Hi I'm Chip, nine years old from Long Beach, California,

Young chip will likely end up being gay i reckon, pan seared venison with a mango glaze, What the fucks all that about eh?

Too bloody right.


"Hello, i'm Stoker, nine years old from Stoke, and today i'm going to cook tomato sauce butties with a side dish of dripping, washed down with a pint of me mums cooking sherry, and then i'm going to fight that shifter Ramsey."

Hello, my name's Betsy and i'm 10 from some Arab Country. Today i shall be cooking a roast leg of goat with a cadbury sauce and a delicate side dish of overly sugared creamed rice. With a pan seared marshmallow topping.

^ha bloody ha, patsy!

I love this show, and watched all the junior series as well.
They are coming out with a Canadian master chef this year as well. I'll have you all know I applied for the show... or was that the Amazing Race.

Anyhoo.. the eggs I cook are from a powder mixed with water, but I add veggies to make an omelet. I'll take a pic at some point.

powdered egg?!! Sad sad sad.

You'll never win a cookery competition if you've never seen a real egg in real life.

Originally Posted by patsycat

You'll never win a cookery competition if you've never seen a real egg in real life.

You'll also never win a cookery competition if you don't cook any fucking eggs.

It's breakfast time.

Cook an egg people.

I've seen Missie's cleavage. There is no need for her to cook anything, she's already a winner!

I'll fertilise her eggs.

Originally Posted by charleyboy

I've seen Missie's cleavage. There is no need for her to cook anything, she's already a winner!

Who's Missie and where are my fucking eggs?

Anyhoo.. the eggs I cook are from a powder mixed with water, but I add veggies to make an omelet. I'll take a pic at some point.[/QUOTE]

facking hell, we used to get served that shite at hmp earlstoke. gross i tell you

Originally Posted by MissTraveller

Anyhoo.. the eggs I cook are from a powder mixed with water, but I add veggies to make an omelet. I'll take a pic at some point.

Left over from WW II, I presume?

I humbly submit for the academy's consideration.

Classic fried eggs on toast.




Sorry, forgot the garnish.





































A filthy big chunk of dead cow,



And...



Then....




I will spare you pics of the empty plate but suffice to say,
It looked like a herd of bulls had gang raped a flock of chickens in a bakery...

Burp....

Originally Posted by klong toey

Its a good effort but Mr Slap has set extremely high standards.
I am going to give you a numpty award,yokes are not in the middle of the egg white.
Toast looks like it was cooked in the sun and the butter melted on it at the same time.

Slaps yolk is barely fucking attached to the white.....
I don't actually own a toaster.
The eggs are done in the impressionist style.

Originally Posted by Necron99

Sorry, forgot the garnish.

And the toast.

Thats fried egg on bread.


Extra points for the Chang though.

^^
nowt wrong with that necron

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

Originally Posted by Necron99

Sorry, forgot the garnish.

And the toast.

Thats fried egg on bread.


Extra points for the Chang though.

It's impressionist toast for those that don't own toasters.

Originally Posted by Necron99

It's impressionist toast for those that don't own toasters.

Get a lighter then.

Originally Posted by Necron99

Originally Posted by klong toey

Its a good effort but Mr Slap has set extremely high standards.
I am going to give you a numpty award,yokes are not in the middle of the egg white.
Toast looks like it was cooked in the sun and the butter melted on it at the same time.

Slaps yolk is barely fucking attached to the white.....
I don't actually own a toaster.
The eggs are done in the impressionist style.

Ah when i wrote my review only had one picture to judge the meal with.
Seeing the rest of the pictures i award you 3 Michelin stars.
Well done Chief.

Sorry necron, that looks gross to me. The egg looks good, but not the sandwich. I'm not a huge red meat eater. Good effort though!

Will be posting my omelette soon....
It'll be crazy to know that watered protein eggs aren't so bad.. lol.

Originally Posted by MissTraveller

I'm not a huge red meat eater.

I've heard different.