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  1. #1
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    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Slap's Full English Breakfast reviews

    Thirteen million Londoners have to wake up to this. And murder, and All Bran, and rape. And I'm sitting in this fucking shack and I can't cope with Withnall. I must go home at once and discuss his problems in depth.



    I was nursing a twat of a hangover last Sunday after having celebrated my friend's pending nuptials. Reluctantly, I left the hotel we'd stayed in - I say reluctantly because the general public are extremely fucking scary indeed when one is snared in the bosom of unrelenting angst - and made a blinkered beeline for Wetherspoons where I ordered a strong pint of lager and a full English breakfast. After somehow managing to summons the hand-eye coordination to maneuver the pint glass towards my mouth, I upturned the fucker with one gargantuan effort and poured it down my gullet.

    AHHHHHH! THAT'S BETTER!

    Now that I'd recaptured the status of a semi-functioning member of the human race, I put paid to my food, settled the bill which was the friendlier side of a fiver, and promised myself a similar feed the following week, when I would perhaps savour the flavour a tad more.

    So today I ventured into town with a view to indulge myself with a plate of definitive British cuisine.

    I located a cafe and inspected the menu.

    'All Day Breakfast 1' pretty much ticked all the right boxes: 1 egg, 2 bacon, 1 sausage, beans, mushrooms, 2 toast, tea, coffee or a can - 6.10.

    Expensive, granted. But I nevertheless placed the order and read about Liam fucking Gallagher's lovelife in the paper while I waited. Why would I care if some Mancunian retard shags about? The Sun seem to think it's very important. But they also think that 'Sexy Georgia Salpa posing in a black swimsuit in a sizzling new photoshoot' is important, too - so they can just about be forgiven. The fucking lecherous kunts.

    Ok, so breakfast has arrived. Let's eat and analyse:

    Upon initial inspection I was appalled at both the meager serving and the presentation. With half the plate comprising a massive baked-bean spillage and my one and only sausage having been unceremoniously dumped on top, I wasn't at all impressed. Although I was most encouraged by the presence of the perfectly cooked egg and the two buttered wholemeal slices:



    Marks out of 10:

    Egg: 9 - perhaps a little overdone

    Sausage: 7 - although the taste was there, I didn't expect to have to fish the fucking thing out of a lake of beans

    Bacon: 9 - succulent cuts of back bacon. again could have done with a minute or so less in the pan

    Beans: 5 - too many and barely tepid. on the plus side I shall soon be basking in the fruits of my labour

    Mushrooms: 8 - tasty, but not enough attention to detail - I generally don't want to be eating rogue stalks

    Toast: 10 - healthy door-step slices with a liberal smear of butter

    Overall: 6.5/10 - not the most financially feasible of breakfasts. you'll definitely get more bang for your buck in Whetherspoons. but by and large a satisfactory dining experience.

  2. #2
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    can123's Avatar
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    They saw you coming. Terrible price for an awful meal.

  3. #3
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    6 quid for that, looks awful.

    just plopped on to the plate with disdain, probably by a fat unshaven fuck of a turkish cook whos just had a big morning shit and not washed his hands.

  4. #4
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    Ahh the famous watering hole of Wetherspoons I always enjoy the company of blue nosed, charitiy shop suit wearing patrons who at 9.07am can get their first dose of alcohol.
    Yes the breakfasts are very good value, and the ale is cheap. But there is always a slight sniff of dependency and sometimes a blatent, this isnt the first drink ive had this morning ( hipflask, can or bottle )
    After 10 am the dynamic changes and you get the up market patrons who have done their shopping, placed a bet and now look forward to drinking Transalvanian cider all day or whatever they like to call their tipple.
    I love the place.

  5. #5
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    And no mushy green peas?
    Can't be English without.

  6. #6
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    Toby Carvery Slap 3.99 all you can eat.

    http://www.tobycarvery.co.uk/offer/a...neatbreakfast/

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by can123
    awful
    Quote Originally Posted by taxexile
    looks awful
    Slap returns to form.


    Quote Originally Posted by Breny
    Wetherspoons
    Should be called Welfarespoons. No one who goes there actually works for a living. I've recently started paying huge chunks of tax and I don't really like walking past people drinking my fucking money all day long. CUNTS!


    Quote Originally Posted by Rural Surin
    And no mushy green peas?
    Not a traditional breakfast item, mate...


    Quote Originally Posted by daveboy
    Toby Carvery Slap 3.99 all you can eat.
    I'm there..

  8. #8
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    No black pud, half a can of beans slapped all over, one egg, a sausage that looks like a burnt turd.
    Sorry slaps, it's shite. 3/10 being generous.

  9. #9
    Thailand Expat klong toey's Avatar
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    I reckon Mr slap slipped over to Pattaya seen better english breakfast served up there.
    Not down soi 6 that place is it.
    Hope that food came free with the news paper.Not really a moan Mr Slap but lots of food reviews and still no massage reviews.
    Google sohowalkups,i can provide a link if required and start the real reviews.
    Last edited by klong toey; 21-07-2013 at 11:15 PM.

  10. #10
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    quote="Breny"]Wetherspoons[/quote] Should be called Welfarespoons. No one who goes there actually works for a living. I've recently started paying huge chunks of tax and I don't really like walking past people drinking my fucking money all day long. CUNTS!

    Fcking right, im paying 40% tax on my megre pay. whilst the tattooed (face, neck, hands, neck ) tards wobble around pushing overladen prams. And their overmuscled "babyfathers" (kids are not called bastards anymore they have "babyfathers") FFS. Its only the polish that are healthy, and speak english.

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Not surprisingly, I was greeted by a sultry Polish harlot who asked me, 'vot sos ahd like with my brakvazt'.

    The brown, please...

    Come on, Sonia...let's be appalling....





    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    burnt turd
    It certainly didn't taste like one, and I've eaten my fair share of burnt turds.

    Yep, forgot about the black pud, but I still think 6.5 is a fair score for this one.


    Quote Originally Posted by klong toey
    Not down soi 6 that place is it.
    It could have been. The place was full of fat, sunburnt pondlife...

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breny
    hilst the tattooed (face, neck, hands, neck ) tards wobble around pushing overladen prams. And their overmuscled "babyfathers" (kids are not called bastards anymore they have "babyfathers")
    Correct. Half of this country's a fucking freak show. If they aren't hyper on steroids, they're spaced on heroin - in Croydon anyway.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breny
    Fcking right, im paying 40% tax on my megre pay.
    I decided Thai style is better. 3% thank you very much.

  14. #14
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    somtamslap's Avatar
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    My diet has been FUCKING awful today. Just went up Morrisons garage for a packet of pickled onion monster munch, a magnum and a bottle of ribena.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    My diet has been FUCKING awful today. Just went up Morrisons garage for a packet of pickled onion monster munch, a magnum and a bottle of ribena.

    ....and for all this.
    Fled from your real love - for whatever reasons.

    Even in the best of times.....English fare.
    Quite horrid.

    Come home, Slap.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Breny
    Fcking right, im paying 40% tax on my megre pay.
    I decided Thai style is better. 3% thank you very much.

    Me too, that's why im coming back as soon as i can. Im not going to be working inside an aircraft wing either. Hello my name is Breny and im reincarnated as an English teacher (commence shitstorm )

    Thats if i can find a job, otherwise im going to do a Thai language course full time.

  17. #17
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    It's definitely easier to come across healthier food in Siam - but I certainly wouldn't call English fare horrid.

    If you take a look at lunch, for example. In Thailand freshly prepared meals - noodle soup, fried rice, fried pork etc - are available absolutely everywhere. It's convenient, cheap and, for the most part, very healthy.

    In England, however. Unless you want to spend a small fortune for a freshly prepared meal, you invariably end up in Tesco taking advantage of their 3 pound meal deals, which although aren't particularly toxic - pre-prepared sandwiches, pasta dishes, crisps and soft drinks - aren't great in terms of nutrition either.

    Viva la Siam!

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breny
    ello my name is Breny and im reincarnated as an English teacher
    Any ideas where yet, mate?

  19. #19
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    No not yet, im open to any ideas ( and interviews) I would like to get out of Bkk and see some sky once in a while. I have a degree and also a degree level teaching English certificate. I have also over 100 hrs of teaching to various folks ranging from trainee priests (Italian ) to Chinese university students.

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
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    ^ You can go anywhere you want with that little lot, mate. Petchaburi through to Chumphon offer nice places to 'work' - read; doing pretty much fuck all...

  21. #21
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    Sounds like a plan. I have to give 2 months notice where i am living, work is about the same. I will have a gander at the locations. To be honest im not looking for big bucks, I just want to do my best and work for a fairly decent school. Cheers Slap.

  22. #22
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    6.10p for that pile of shite ??

    I dont spend that amount for my sandwiches all week !

  23. #23
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    ^Haha, I expect as a trucker you're a fair connoisseur of the English Brekky Nige?

    I must admit, I've had more than my fair share of 'em having worked in the buiding game for years, it's a tradition for me to have one on a Friday if there's somewhere nearby to get one and I'd agree: I'd feel really ripped off paying 6.10 (!) for that.

    For 6.10 I'd want 2 sausage, 2 bacon, 2 egg, 2 toast, black pudding, hash brown, beans, tomato/'shrooms even though I don't eat 'em, and a big mug of coffee or pot of tea!

    For all that I'd pay 6.10, but it can be found for around a fiver a lot of places.

  24. #24
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    Primo's Avatar
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    You were robbed fella..

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by khmen
    For 6.10 I'd want 2 sausage, 2 bacon, 2 egg, 2 toast, black pudding, hash brown, beans, tomato/'shrooms even though I don't eat 'em, and a big mug of coffee or pot of tea!
    I'd expect a brass band and a "happy ending" for that much.

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