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  1. #1
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    somtamslap's Avatar
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    A Sunday Roast: The Revelations of the Ratatouille

    After watching Ratatouille with my children yesterday, which was incidentally a welcomed respite from the unrelenting loop of Barbie DVD's which perpetually echo off the walls of my living room sounding like the fucking glee club on crack, I was quickly able to ascertain that the evening's fare would consist of just that - RATATOUILLE!

    One of the main characters of the film, Anton Ego the food critic, triggered my need for this rustic dish of roughly chopped vegetables (peppers, eggplant, tomatoes, onion et al) with a smattering of herbs (parsley, basil, thyme) after his hardnosed facade yielded to a plate of food which had been prepared by a fucking rat. Where once sat a bitter and cynical conniseur of fine dining, sneering at every item of cuisine placed before him (he very much reminded me of me), was now an animated sprite of a man, spooning food into his mouth like a fucking lunatic. He...was....LAPPING IT UP!

    Hmm. That's a bit of me, that is, I mused whilst beckoning for my wife to come hither.

    I paused the movie so she could perform a thorough inspection of the dish.

    "That food. My plate. 8pm. Don't be late". I was concise with my instructions.

    And with this I journeyed to the local pub for an aperitif.

    Yes, I rather think a bit of this should hit the spot:



    However, my aperitif, which is traditionally several bottles of award winning ale with a stealthy slurp of Ya-Dong woven into the ensemble, this evening flourished into a full-scale fucking riot of a piss-up. The shopkeeper, who had been fortunate enough to come into a rather substantial amount of currency due to his recently established Viagra purveying venture, was serving myself, and several other regular patrons, nips of alcohol like his life depended on it. He was in such a good mood that you would've thought he'd just had the best session of pelvis jousting in his life - which made me think had he washed his hands - and then I started getting disgusted.

    I arrived home several sheets to the wind and was subsequently informed that Ratatouille was regrettably not on the menu this evening as the required ingredients weren't present at the local market. To be honest, I cared not. I could've eaten a fucking frozen pizza at that moment in time and still been sufficiently moved to make 'nom nom nom nom' noises.

    However, all was not lost. A Sunday roast of sorts had been prepared; roast chicken, grilled tomatoes and onions, hash browns and a rich pepper sauce.

    Salivating, I removed it from the oven and procured a knife and fork before adjourning to my usually seat on the balcony.

    I was in the process of revving up the cutlery when a misplaced elbow up-turned the whole fucking lot into my lap.



    Initially, I attempted to eat it literally straight from my lap but it became most taxing and inconvenient, particularly because I was trying to watch Hell's Kitchen on my computer at the same time, so I reluctantly scooped it up en masse with my hands and dumped it on the plate.

    Bon appetite..



    Another culinary fuck-up.
    Last edited by somtamslap; 29-04-2013 at 01:32 PM.

  2. #2
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    I quite like the Glee Club actually.

    Rather up-lifting if you're a massive poof.


  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    massive poof.

    Whithnail will be along soon....

  4. #4
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    The plate looks as if Por left it for you? I suppose it may be mandatory to be thoroughly pissed up before eating some of your vittels?

  5. #5
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    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jizzybloke
    Whithnail will be along soon...
    He's been on the lash in Bangers for the past week. I'm waiting for tales featuring gentlemen sporting alluring frocks.


    Quote Originally Posted by ltnt
    The plate looks as if Por left it for you?
    It looked ok until I spilled it all over myself.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    He's been on the lash in Bangers for the past week
    Are you going to have any time there before you fly to the UK?

  7. #7
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    ^ Still not sure. Have lots of bits and pieces to do before going - which mainly include shatting myself.

  8. #8
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    ^ If you keep those shorts, no one will be able to tell..

  9. #9
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    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^ Should be dry now. I'll chip the gravy off later for a snack.

  10. #10
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    Bloody love rattttttttttttatttttoooooeeeeeee especially with roast meat. I will make it tonight. Job done and thanks for the reminder. Lets hope I dont burn my nads off as well.

  11. #11
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Phwoar Kurt Hummel

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^ One of the more masculine Glee Club covers - features in the last scene of The Sopranos. I did my homework before posting.


    Quote Originally Posted by pseudolus
    I will make it tonight
    Don't forget piccies for the droolz..

  13. #13
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    This is truly a tragic tale.

  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
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    ^ It was more of a challenge than a tragedy at the time. It isn't easy negotiating grilled onion from the thigh with a fork towards the mouth whilst under the influence of a vat of LK.

  15. #15
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    You may all mock Nigel's solid black and white plates, but he may have a point...

    Good to know someone else watches Hells Kitchen!! I look forward to Fridays to catch up.

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