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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Waiter, Waiter! There's a fly in my soup and cat shit in my salad

    I was quietly going about eating my lunch at the local noodle merchant a few days ago when two rather large bluebottles spiralled amorously together from the air and landed in my soup where they began furiously fornicating with one another. So I didn't just have a fly in my soup, no, I had a pair of them wildly fucking in it.

    Bit fucking rude isn't it, I said to myself whilst noting the male's technique, which was frantic to say the least . They may of course have been somewhat perturbed by the scorching broth and their oh's and ah's were a result of slowly being burnt to death, but from my vantage point it looked like they were indulging, quite greedily, in pleasures of the flesh.

    Erm Waiter! I suggest you learn to curb the sexual activity of the bug life in this dump if you wish to retain my custom. It's one thing having your dog licking its bollocks in full view of the clientele, but I'll have to draw the line at insects wanking each other of in my bowl of fucking soup.

    How one eradicates the omnipresent irritables I'll never know. You can of course cover food but it still, in this particular area which is surrounded by freshly manured fields, does absolutely nothing to deter them from loitering in their thousands, and they seem to be impervious to the shock of the electric mosquito twatter.

    But it seems the powers that be have bigger fish to fry when it comes to vandalising my repasts.

    My moo yang, cucumber, tomato and spring onion ensemble appears to have been garnished with a healthy coil of cat shit:



    On further inspection it looked quite appetising. The matter apparently glistened with rich seasoning and lively spices which served to enhance its treacle-esque texture.



    Cat waste: A highly recommended condiment..

  2. #2
    Fuck it
    Satonic's Avatar
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    ?

  3. #3
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    Smug Farang Bore's Avatar
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    That ain't for real is it mate..?

  4. #4
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^^ Blimey. It comes bottled!

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smug Farang Bore
    That ain't for real is it mate..?
    Going by past performances in my household - there's a fifty/fifty chance.

  6. #6
    Lord of Swine
    Necron99's Avatar
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    My ex dog used to think that cat shit was the ducks nuts.
    Treated the kitty litter tray like a fucking sizzler salad bar.

  7. #7
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    Albert Shagnastier's Avatar
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    Cat shit in the salad ok..

    But a fly in the fucking soup. - Taking the piss.

  8. #8
    Lord of Swine
    Necron99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier View Post
    Cat shit in the salad ok..

    But a fly in the fucking soup. - Taking the piss.
    No, read it again,they were rooting.

  9. #9
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    That's a high tomato to real food (meat) ratio there mate.

    7 slices of tomato to 8 (?) morsels of food.

  10. #10
    Gohills flip-flops wearer
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chairman Mao
    7 slices of tomato to 8 (?) morsels of food.
    Somtams plate is 2 feet in diameter.

  11. #11
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Eating salad is my forte. Eating cat shite will be my downfall..
    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    Cat shit in the salad ok..
    Agreed. Perfectly acceptable.

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by withnallstoke
    Somtams knackers are 2 feet in diameter.
    They are certainly heading that way.

  13. #13
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  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^ Eat the cat shat would be more appropriate.

  15. #15
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    Albert Shagnastier's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    fly
    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    fucking
    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    in
    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    the
    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    soup
    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    read it again
    Make sense now?

  16. #16
    Lord of Swine
    Necron99's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    fly
    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    fucking
    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    in
    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    the
    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    soup
    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    read it again
    Make sense now?

    But rooting, not taking a piss.

  17. #17
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    Albert Shagnastier's Avatar
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  18. #18
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Waiter, waiter! There's wee-wee in my soup!

    Don't take the piss, sir!

  19. #19
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    Albert Shagnastier's Avatar
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    Sounds like the waiter couldn't give a flying fuck

  20. #20
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    Sounds like the waiter couldn't give a flying fuck
    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    Don't take the piss, sir!
    Don't take = Don't drink, in my little world anyway

  21. #21
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    Goes down well with a chilled glass of your own urine.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by MANICHAEAN View Post
    Goes down well with a chilled glass of your own urine.
    Gandhi used to drink his own urine and that is why he never put on weight. He could eat all the beefburgers and chips he wanted as long as they weren't made with real beef. When he visited the cotton mills in Lancashire he ate nothing but fish and chips and one has to assume that he provided his own beverages when he was here. Apparently, he was screwing Prince Charles' uncle's wife. Eventually she died and was buried at sea. I am on my fifth bottle of Singha.

  23. #23
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by can123
    I am on my fifth bottle of Singha.
    large or small?

    Just about to piece together an old favourite. A cheese and cat shat sarnie. Should hit the spot - I'll go liberal with the matter too.

  24. #24
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Bring back the spam

  25. #25
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Spam and cat shite sangers? Now there's a plan!

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