Waiter, Waiter! There's a fly in my soup and cat shit in my salad
I was quietly going about eating my lunch at the local noodle merchant a few days ago when two rather large bluebottles spiralled amorously together from the air and landed in my soup where they began furiously fornicating with one another. So I didn't just have a fly in my soup, no, I had a pair of them wildly fucking in it.
Bit fucking rude isn't it, I said to myself whilst noting the male's technique, which was frantic to say the least . They may of course have been somewhat perturbed by the scorching broth and their oh's and ah's were a result of slowly being burnt to death, but from my vantage point it looked like they were indulging, quite greedily, in pleasures of the flesh.
Erm Waiter! I suggest you learn to curb the sexual activity of the bug life in this dump if you wish to retain my custom. It's one thing having your dog licking its bollocks in full view of the clientele, but I'll have to draw the line at insects wanking each other of in my bowl of fucking soup.
How one eradicates the omnipresent irritables I'll never know. You can of course cover food but it still, in this particular area which is surrounded by freshly manured fields, does absolutely nothing to deter them from loitering in their thousands, and they seem to be impervious to the shock of the electric mosquito twatter.
But it seems the powers that be have bigger fish to fry when it comes to vandalising my repasts.
My moo yang, cucumber, tomato and spring onion ensemble appears to have been garnished with a healthy coil of cat shit:
https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2012/11/1195.jpg
On further inspection it looked quite appetising. The matter apparently glistened with rich seasoning and lively spices which served to enhance its treacle-esque texture.
https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2012/11/1196.jpg
Cat waste: A highly recommended condiment..
