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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Slap's Culinary Tour of Thailand

    Before I go any further I'd like to take this opportunity to openly opine that Villa Supermarket in Hua Hin is most probably the best place on the planet and could a member of staff please go to aisle number seven as there is a large, white gentleman currently wanking over the pickle and gerkin selection.

    The culinary tour started in Isaan where I purchased a large bag of processed mystery meat from 7/11, added a liberal squirt of mustard and half of the salad tray, because it's free, and there's absolutely fuck all anyone can do about it - so excuse me while I help myself to every single slice of tomato, and no more funny looks else your fucking manager will hear about this and you'll be dancing around a pole, flaps a flutter, before you can say 'Chern 7 kaa'.

    So a fairly uneventful start to the journey - a bag of hot dogs and some fucking salad. I must say I'm not overly impressed with the culinary output of the nation thus far.

    Strangely enough, upon exiting the Northeast things started to perk up a smidgen. I suddenly found myself surrounded by golden arches and neon lit Anglo Saxon scrawl. My head started spinning. I was hanging out of the car window like a fucking salivating dog attempting to pinpoint an emporium in which to dine.

    Eventually I saw it. The best two letters in the English alphabet, B and K.

    Stop the car! Stop the fucking car!

    And allow me savour the delights which are the Double Whopper with cheese and bacon:



    That whopper, and fuck me it was a bastard whopper indeed, placed my stomach in fine fettle until we reached Chumphon - home of the lesser spotted goat fondling Northern person - or withnallstoke to those who've never met him.

    From the outset we got tremendously drunk on his home brew and amused ourselves by drinking more.
    Obviously when one is immersed deeply in relentless ale imbibery, food seldom boards one's train of thought, but Mrs. Withnall was quick to spot that our behaviour was becoming somewhat erratic and perhaps feared we would be damaged beyond redemption should we not be fed.

    A splendid plate of traditional English fare was produced and I (withnall by this time had passed out on the floor) heartily chowed down on roast chicken, roast potatoes, 3 veg and a rich gravy which was infused with myriad spices and seasoning.

    Due to this repast I was relatively compos mentis the following morning and we made our way to Tung Wualen beach, north of Chumphon, where we both dined ferociously on beefburgers and pizza - and drank cokes, coz we're poofters. We ate at a very pleasant establishment called The Pirate's Terrace - a definite recommendation if you're in the area.

    The second leg of the tour took place in Pranburi, Hua Hin and Cha-am.

    I took advantage of the western fare on offer but not before a light aperitif:



    I like cholesterol. It tastes nice:



    Since we're in the country I supposed we'd better have some fucking Thai grub too. I went for a taste of home with this Yam Nam Tok Nua - looks like canned cat food but was pretty tasty and good value for money.



    Upon seeing a sign which indicated that a Subway was in the near vicinity, I'm quite sure I simultaneously pissed, shit and ejaculated in my underpants. I was very pleased indeed.
    We entered the diner and my kids immediately began trashing the gaff which led to me beating them and yelling obscenities at them in full public view - "This is one dining experience you most definitely are NOT going to fuck up!" Startled tourists began dispersing immediately leaving me to feast on my foot long meatball and cheese sub in peace - fucking sweet:



    Last port of call due to a wrong turn on the outskirts of the concrete chaos of Bangkok was the floating market at Amphawa. Floating? What a crock of shite! There's hardly any boats in the fucker and the few that are present are all demanding 400 baht for a ride up and down the canal. Erm, fuck off.

    I found a wizened old wench who appeared to be engaged in battle with a dozen eggs and 5 kilos of shell fish - or preparing Hoi Tort, if you will.

    It makes for a pleasant late afternoon snack so I bought one for the princely sum of 25 baht (not bad for a fucking tourist trap) and washed it down with 10 pints of beer.





    And there concludes the tour..
    Last edited by somtamslap; 05-11-2012 at 02:45 PM.

  2. #2
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    mingmong's Avatar
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    this is making me hungry Slap, sitting it Singa airport in transit. food is shite here and $15 a pint for Draught!

    Mmmmm chang

  3. #3
    Fuck it
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    Burger King and shopping at Villa supermarket. I reckon you must of had a lottery win

  4. #4
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satonic
    I reckon you must of had a lottery win
    Fucking right. That burger cleared out half my holiday funds..

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mingmong
    Mmmmm chang
    Yes, award winners are tasty beasts indeed..

  6. #6
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  7. #7
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    Wot's this, wot's going on, a thread started by Slaps and no spam in it yet....

    not possible.

  8. #8
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by palexxxx
    Wot's this, wot's going on, a thread started by Slaps and no spam in it yet....
    Food and Drink forum. They aren't so quick off the draw here.

    ^^Yes, Albert, that was pretty much the state of affairs - nearly, apart from the bit about blowing up.

  9. #9
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    Ah Chumphon ! My favorite place in Thailand. As soon as this place sells we are heading off back there.
    Where in Chumphon did you stay Slap ? in town or out ?
    My favorite eating spot is just round the corner from the Ocean supermarket. The best Dim Sum restaurant I have found and so cheap.
    The beach you went to is also fantastic. go there mid week and you can have it all to yourself and you will never once get asked whether you want to buy a silk wrap or croaking frog
    What flavour of hooch were you partaking of ? Like to share the recipe ?
    Good report by the way.
    Treat everyone as a complete and utter idiot and you can only ever be pleasantly surprised !

  10. #10
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Big Fella
    Where in Chumphon did you stay Slap
    We start at withnall's place which is fairly near the centre of town but also quite rural at the same time.


    Quote Originally Posted by The Big Fella
    The beach you went to is also fantastic.
    Yes, very quiet and I was pleasantly surprised at the quality of the western fare served on the adjacent road. 120 baht for a decent beef burger and chips.


    Quote Originally Posted by The Big Fella
    What flavour of hooch were you partaking of ?
    Withnall's Wank Juice, of course

    I'm sure he'll be willing to share his secret with you - if you wanna get totally fucked on a thimble full that is

  11. #11
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    I used to rent a place just outside town on a Moo Baan called Sunny view. As you say just 5 minutes from town but surrounded by fields. I loved it hence the move back.
    I also loved the fact i could get up in the morning and jump on the bike and have a stunning ride over the mountains to Ranong for lunch and then return across the country a different route in time for a few cold ones in town.
    The night market there also has some of the best dead things on sticks in Thailand as well

  12. #12
    Lord of Swine
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    Burger King? AKA (to civilized people) Hungry Jacks?
    In Thailand?
    Where you fuck, tell me now!
    Tell me, branches, outlets, where! Maps, I want fuckin maps!
    Now goddamit.
    I swear to god if you don't I will raze issan to the fucking ground and salt the earth it stood upon paying special attention to stills and breweries!

  13. #13
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    On a side note,I was in Chumpon the other week, stayed at the Novotel resort on the beach. I thought it sucked dogs balls, apart from the navy shrine where you get to shoot guns in the air.


    The most interesting thing was the windy hilly drive in with the big culvert dividing the two two lane roads.
    It was pissing rain when I went and I recon there was a car in the ditch about every 300 meters.
    Last edited by Necron99; 05-11-2012 at 04:38 PM.

  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Big Fella
    I also loved the fact i could get up in the morning and jump on the bike and have a stunning ride over the mountains to Ranong for lunch and then return across the country a different route in time for a few cold ones in town.
    Yes, I was saying that to withnall. A nice amount of exploring to be done and the sea is invariably a stone's throw away. I'm going to be moving down to the peninsula in a few years I think. I liked the look of Cha-am. Seems to be a place where I may be able to behave myself - plus I'm getting older and inevitably more boring. Which is a fucking good thing indeed.


    Quote Originally Posted by The Big Fella
    The night market there also has some of the best dead things on sticks in Thailand as well
    The lasses went there. We stayed on the back of the pick-up drinking juice and talking bollocks.

  15. #15
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    Forget Cha Am / Hua Hin Slap. The last time I went up to see a mate it was shite. it is now full of wrinkly old, and I mean old British coffin dodgers who have all sold their places in Spain and moved there. In HH it was bar, golf shop, property agent, mobility scooter shop, bar, golf shop, property agent, mobility scooter shop etc.The beach and sea is crap and is 4 times the cost of living in Chumphon.
    I also like the fact that if I want to go visit my friends here on the islands then I jump on the ferry with a big bag of beer and a few hours later I get off on the island of my choice

  16. #16
    Can I still change this?
    Bogon's Avatar
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    Can see how stingy you are sommers.
    Look how much juice you can squeeze out of 1/2 a Thai orange!


  17. #17
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    Where you fuck, tell me now!
    The first one I saw here was at the airport which was nice and convenient.


    Quote Originally Posted by The Big Fella
    The beach and sea is crap
    Found a nice one a few km's south.

    I'll see which way the wind's blowing in a few years - I'm not staying in Isaan forever, that's a given.

  18. #18
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    No my friend I think you will find that Slap was in an upmarket cocktail bar and the half slice of orange came with an umbrella pushed through it and served with the Chang. It is just out of view being used as a tooth pick by the lovely wife

  19. #19
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bogon
    Look how much juice you can squeeze out of 1/2 a Thai orange!
    The juice was served with breakfast. It didn't contain any beer so I didn't touch it

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Necron99
    Where you fuck, tell me now!
    The first one I saw here was at the airport which was nice and convenient.


    Quote Originally Posted by The Big Fella
    The beach and sea is crap
    Found a nice one a few km's south.

    I'll see which way the wind's blowing in a few years - I'm not staying in Isaan forever, that's a given.
    When I lived there many moons ago the only beach I would go to was Khoa Toa a few clicks South of HH. Not a bad beach but again the water was crap and no good for anything other than just getting wet.
    Some cracking beaches around Bang Saphan and Bang Saphan Noi though.
    No HH and CA have far too many expats now just like here whereas chumphon has a small expat community that hasn't yet been invaded by the fcuktards

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Big Fella
    whereas chumphon has a small expat community that hasn't yet been invaded by the fcuktards
    What am I saying ?
    Whithnalstroke lives there now

  22. #22
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    Only joking of course the big W. How long have you resided there ? maybe we know each other already ?

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Big Fella
    Khoa Toa a few clicks South of HH.
    We went to the one just north of there - on military grounds I believe. Clear water, not too busy and clean (ish). Unlike the 'entrance' to a beach in the centre of town..


  24. #24
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    I was foolishly going to ask if you taught English there but from Slaps report surely a man of your reputation couldn't manage to hold down a career in teaching.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Big Fella
    I was foolishly going to ask if you taught English there
    Withnall's more of a mad scientist.

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