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  1. #1
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Masturbation Turns into Mastication as Slap Discovers Issan Kebab Den

    There I was, busy perusing images of sparsely clad bitches on the internet when my better half entered the internet cafe (problems with connection at home) and produced a foil wrapped gem - a kebab!

    "Christ on a bike, women! How the fuck did you manage to get your hands on one of those beauties?!"

    Forgetting that my computer monitor currently boasted a huge set of breasts and a neatly shaven twat, I lurched towards the direction of the kebab like a salivating mongrel, held it aloft like a magic sword and bellowed for all present in the net shop to hear...Yesss! I've got a fucking kebab! So fuck you and you and fuck you too!

    Obviously I put pay to the fucker AT ONCE! Three large bites and it was gone, although I was now wearing hearty portions of meat and salad all over my t-shirt, such was the enthusiasm for this particular repast.

    Alas, it was gone! My first kebab in half a decade had been disposed of in record time and now a huge barren void swept over me. I felt empty, alone, without a purpose to continue in this cold, cold world.

    I grabbed my wife by the scruff of her neck and demanded - 'Is there more? There better be more? Where did you get the fucking thing? Tell me immediately else I'll be filing for a divorce in the next five seconds!

    She directed me to the vendor who lurked with sweet, sweet intent outside a busy high-street bank.

    Well, hello there, you brazen harlot! Prepare to see me every hour on the hour, starting right now...

    Hmmm. Nice touch. Toasting the pitta bread on the grill like that. Keep this up and I may not be able to supress the overwhelming urge to lustfully kiss your cherry lips.



    Salad items and condiments were a touch on the scant side, but we'll overlook this treacherous act of ignorance on this occasion. No green chillis? That is out and out blasphemy...



    Hold on! Ketchup? On a fucking kebab? Are you calling me a kunt? Oh well, country dwellers obviously can not be choosers. Please continue..



    Adding the chicken from the sacred spinning stick into the mix..



    Wrapped in foil and ready to be passionately devoured.

    Behold my fearsome kebab, peasants. And shove that basket of sticky rice up your arse while your doing it.


  2. #2
    Can I still change this?
    Bogon's Avatar
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    After the purchase. I have visions of you doing this in the middle of the street...


  3. #3
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bogon
    After the purchase. I have visions of you doing this in the middle of the street...
    And that's exactly what I did. About to take on the whole village with a 49 baht piece of pitta bread.

  4. #4
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    aging one's Avatar
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    So happy to see you happy. Dont forget them to hold the Thai mayonnaise. At 49 baht you are not going to get tahini, or a yoghurt garlic sauce.
    Enjoy mate, one sets up near my work once a week and I am there for two. But at 60 each.

  5. #5
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aging one
    So happy to see you happy.
    It was a short lived, whimsical happiness, AO. But true bliss will commence in approximately 90 minutes when I go to the local shop and get spannered on cheap beer..

  6. #6
    Pedantic bastard
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by aging one
    So happy to see you happy.
    It was a short lived, whimsical happiness, AO. But true bliss will commence in approximately 90 minutes when I go to the local shop and get spannered on cheap beer..

    How are your guts? The last kebab I had in Thailand (Suk Soi 3, 3am) had me shitting for the best part of a week - never again......

  7. #7
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nidhogg
    How are your guts?
    Fine, fine! But let's not forget I'm a fond fan of raw bacon and other such bacteria ridden cack.

  8. #8
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    ^ More importantly have you noticed a decline in the local rat population since the appearance of the kebab seller.

  9. #9
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    The story is a bonus ! Worth a green for thread title Slaps returns!

  10. #10
    Thailand Expat Dillinger's Avatar
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    Phwoar look at that phallic symbol



    Im off up Soi 3,

    Shopping List

    kebab
    Bacon
    Marmite
    Pork Pies
    The filthiest looking bitch in Soi cowboy
    Milk
    condoms
    New Padlock

  11. #11
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    ^ that is what happens when you eat a kebab and watch porn at the same time

  12. #12
    splendid and tremendous
    somtamslap's Avatar
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    ^^ I'm off out the local shop.

    Shopping list:

    10 tonnes of ya-dong, a tin of sardines, two tomatoes and a gun.

  13. #13
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    Albert Shagnastier's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    I'm a fond fan of raw bacon and other such bacteria ridden cack.
    training. all about training.


    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Hold on! Ketchup? On a fucking kebab? Are you calling me a kunt?
    Key fucking point for all kebab eating in muang Thai. When ordering - there are but 3 condiments.

    Their version of chilli sauce - mostly good
    Their version of tzatziki/garlic mayo - mostly good.
    Ketchup - ruins a kebab faster than a whippet on speed

  14. #14
    splendid and tremendous
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert Shagnastier
    Ketchup - ruins a kebab faster than a whippet on speed
    Indeed. A mental not has been made regarding the tomato sauce.

    I dare you. No, I double dare you. Reach fo' that ketchup one more God damn time...

  15. #15
    ...................
    sunsetter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    get spannered on cheap beer..
    great dessert, keep it up and we will have a great thread here good to have ya back!!

  16. #16
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    I cant believe you have not filled this gaping whole in the market already with 'Slap Kebab Shop'!

    or are the chances of eating any profits and in fact product too high?

  17. #17
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    "Slap's Kebabs". Yep, has a certain ring to it.

    Or, maybe: "Slap's Kebabatoria"?

    Friends and others - join me in this name fest.

  18. #18
    Pedantic bastard
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    Quote Originally Posted by draco888 View Post
    I cant believe you have not filled this gaping whole in the market already with 'Slap Kebab Shop'!
    Surely "Slaps Kebab shop and ya dong-ery" would be more apt?

  19. #19
    I'm not in jail
    Jack meoff's Avatar
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    Seen these around a few rural markets up here now, Never have them put on that yellow mayo sweet crap, totally ruins it.
    Unless you have a large hand slap, Looks exactly the same for 29 baht here.

  20. #20
    Pedantic bastard
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack meoff View Post
    Unless you have a large hand slap, Looks exactly the same for 29 baht here.
    You will notice slap is holding it in his left hand. This rare pic of slap will give more context:



  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by grasshopper
    "Slap's Kebabs". Yep, has a certain ring to it.
    If i thought there was a shekel or two to be made from it, I'd already be pacing the streets with a custom designed wagon.

    My latest project, however, shall be revealed forthwith..

  22. #22
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    Somtam, get yourself up to the 'Sports Bar' Marcus now has proper doner kebabs. Fuck knows where he is getting them from but they are not bad once you are half wankered.

    Tas

  23. #23
    splendid and tremendous
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    ^ Marcus dishes up decent grub, but he's on the other side of town from moi. The last time I journied home from his spot I woke up in a fucking wooden bungalow next to a elderly gentleman sporting a thread bare sarong. Not only that but my fucking motorbike had been temporarily thieved by acquaintances of aforementioned geriatric..

    Took some explaining to the wife, did that...

    I'll plan to get back up there at some point though.

  24. #24
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    Albert Shagnastier's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by grasshopper
    Friends and others - join me in this name fest.
    Quote Originally Posted by grasshopper
    "Slap's Kebabatoria"?
    Quote Originally Posted by nidhogg
    "Slaps Kebab shop and ya dong-ery"
    Slapaz Kebabaz?

  25. #25
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