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Thread: Stung!

  1. #1
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    Stung!

    I was galloping like a man possessed; eye balls out like Linford Christie after an industrial sized hit of crystal meth; slicing through the Great British countryside like a freshly sharpened pair of garden shears; pounding out each life-affirming stride after another like some leopard-human hybrid; bisecting bucolic Old Blighty like a surgeon with a scalpel the size of a fucking rhinoceros, felling the living twat out of anything and everything that dare of the gumption to hinder my path to total and absolute physical and mental greatness.

    So I was running quite fast.

    No, actually, I wasn't. I was doing that thing where you think you're running fast but then a family of four generations out for a post-prandial constitutional, stroll passed at a canter and ask if you require the assistance of a paramedic, or a vet, or a fucking priest.

    Fortunately, during this instance, I was going far too slowly to place any significant strain on any of my vital organs, and I continued on my ungainly path to my house and my kitchen and my fridge and my beer. Oh beer, how I adore the aeration of thee.

    Down a particularly cumbersome stretch of singletrack, I noted that, to either side of me were fields densely packed, bristling some may say, with stinging nettles. They actually looked like stinging nettle plantations.

    "Crumbs!" I thought, "It'd be really painful to trip over and fall head first into that stinging nettle plantation."

    About three seconds later, I tripped over and fell head first into that stinging nettle plantation.

    And after a few moments of flaying around on my fucking back like a huge deranged wailing insect, I got up and surveyed the damage. Not one square inch of body had escaped the wrath of this vicious twat of a plant, and off I went in search of dock leaves, my skin now starting to bubble after the histamine hit.

    Three days later and the stinging sensation has just about abated.

    You can keep your vipers and your tigers and your fucking asiatic black bears.

    Blighty is a minefield in its own right. We have stinging nettles. That is our claim to fame. And it's a good one.

  2. #2
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    Dock leaves, Slap. Dock leaves. There's always a dock leaf around where there's stinging nettles. And I bet good old farmer Giles planted a whole field of them next to the stinging nettle plantation. Rub that dock leaf all over your body and when you're done rubbing and tingling, go look for some dandelions and burdock leaves and make yourself a nice drink. Ahh, brings back memories. Good old Blighty.

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    Stinging nettles are not as bad as a jelly fish sting, I've experienced both.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna
    Ahh, brings back memories. Good old Blighty.
    Do they have stinging nettles in Thailand. I don't recall eve seeing any.



    Quote Originally Posted by wasabi
    Stinging nettles are not as bad as a jelly fish sting
    Yes they are. They're worse. And that's coming from someone who's never been stung by a jelly fish.

  5. #5
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    call farmer giles and ask him nicely to urinate over you, the ammonia in urine is said to relieve the pain of the sting

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    Wheres Withnall when you need him?

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    Don't forget you can make wine out of nettles Slap.

    Every cloud and all that.....

    Might be worth taking a sack or two back for Por.

    And what the hell does bucolic mean?

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    Quote Originally Posted by tj916
    Might be worth taking a sack or two back for Por.
    could it be mixed into the betel concoction for added bite ?

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    Quote Originally Posted by tj916
    Might be worth taking a sack or two back for Por.
    Word has it that since my departure Por has been on the wagon. I'd suggest that is because I was the only fucker that supplied him with booze. Oh how I miss those clandestine sips of Ya-Dong under a moonlit Isaan sky. And the howling. Oh how we howled. It sounded like a scene for Hounds of the bastard Baskervilles when myself and Por hot the chemicals hard.

    Stay aboard that wagon, Por. Because there's a storm a-coming. And you're gonna require every healthy liver cell to weather this one.

  10. #10
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    Stingy nettles used to be a medieval form of torture applied to the genital area, nowadays people pay good money for that.

    Don't forget the nettle tea!
    BTW nice use of adjectives.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna
    Ahh, brings back memories. Good old Blighty.
    Do they have stinging nettles in Thailand. I don't recall eve seeing any.
    I don't know. I don't recall ever seeing any either so I assume there are none.

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    Stinging nettles only grow on ground that's already been disturbed , that's why they hug pathways.

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    Ive rubbed something here that left the back of my hand all warty and itchy with little barbs left inside to be picked out. I'm sure it had red flowers on it too

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger
    Ive rubbed something here that left the back of my bell-end all warty and itchy with little barbs left inside to be picked out.
    And another thread gets sullied by Bollinger's wandering knob. Is there no place scared on this board any more!

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    wandering knob.
    I see you pining away there brother for a return to your halcyonic days of yore.

    Let me know when you fancy coming over, i can pick you up from the airport and we can re-live the good old days














  16. #16
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    Grrrrrrreeat days!

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    When you over next?

  18. #18
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    It's not a case of 'when you over next', it's a case of 'when you over - full stop'. Coz I sure as shite am not going to Thailand for a holiday.

    In a couple of years when the kids have finished primary school is the aim.

    Keep some cash aside, Bollski. You're getting the fucking drinks in.

  19. #19
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    I shall stock up

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    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    In a couple of years when the kids have finished primary school is the aim.
    Surely you don't intend to put them in a Thai secondary school after them getting used to a school in the UK. Just give them 100 lines to write or make them clean their bedrooms every day for a month. That should be enough punishment for whatever it is they've done.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neverna View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap View Post
    In a couple of years when the kids have finished primary school is the aim.
    Surely you don't intend to put them in a Thai secondary school after them getting used to a school in the UK. Just give them 100 lines to write or make them clean their bedrooms every day for a month. That should be enough punishment for whatever it is they've done.
    Children at Year 6 level in the UK far exceed Thai uni students in all subjects.

    It's a pipe dream Slap, been there done that.

    Unless you start doing what Dillinger is doing then you can send the kids to the best international school and hire a Mary Poppins nanny.

    I'm sure there's room in Thailand for two James Bollingers, licensed to strim

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    Quote Originally Posted by tj916
    Don't forget you can make wine out of nettles Slap.
    Good idea! Slaps revenge.
    Quote Originally Posted by somtamslap
    Blighty is a minefield in its own right. We have stinging nettles. That is our claim to fame.
    Barstewards, aren't they?

    Australia has many spiders, snakes, crocs, sharks, stonefish, jellyfish, rays, and drunken abos that can kill you in a heartbeat. Oh, and stinging nettles.

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chittychangchang
    Unless you start doing what Dillinger is doing then you can send the kids to the best international school and hire a Mary Poppins nanny.
    International school would be the only way we do this - but our local, St Stephens in Khao Yai, has got awful reviews, so I might have to seek out a place elsewhere.


    Quote Originally Posted by sabang
    Oh, and stinging nettles.
    Well if Oz has stinging nettles, surely Thailand has too. Can somebody please go outside and have a look for me.

  24. #24
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    Tropical version of nettles is here in Phils the LIPA a big tree.

    Name of the city one Forum Cabayan lives, the Lipa tree is 100 or 1000 times bigger then the nettles and the sting has that same stinging factor, better not touch it !

    Nettles makes an excellent fertilizer if left to rot in water some time, it damn stinks but works wonders to grow plants.

    Until just few years back rotten nettle fertilizer was banned in France big chem groups reached that level of control on govs... Before the ban it was used for hundreds of year as fertilizer.

    Makes a good soup that also... (prolly not the rotten version, da fresh one )

    Wondering if the rotten Lipa is a hundred times more powerful fertilizer compared to blightly's little itching herb, something i wanted to try but never got hand on it so far.
    Monday,Tuesday, then it goes WTF !

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    ^ give minestrone a shot while you're at it

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