When I was married to a Thai girl, Part 2

[DJ Pat]

It's almost all off, don't wanna bore the pants off the TD members.

[dirtydog]

I was thinking of putting this lot into the famous threads section, I thought it was quite good.

[DJ Pat]

^^ If you do, wait til I put all four together and un-edit to be a more comfortable but longer, more complete read.

[baldrick]

Originally Posted by DJ Pat

She's Thai, and they have this ridiculous and illusioned outlook on the world, even worse when they get rich and leave the land of snides, they have virtues however and these outweighed the negatives. Never try and change a Thai though, it's nigh on impossible. that was my philosophy almost 7 years ago, and it's remained unchanged.

So why did you come to thailand if its full of a people you believe are like this ?

you malign all the backpackers , but somehow I think they have a better chance of learning from their travels then you with a close minded attitude such as the one you have expressed above.

and I thought it was mainly americans who needed trick cyclists.

[Boon Mee]

Originally Posted by dirtydog

I was thinking of putting this lot into the famous threads section, I thought it was quite good.

They're all a good read.
You ain't boring me, Pat...

[DJ Pat]

As Chas and Dave said, there ain't no pleasin' you.

[Marmite the Dog]

Originally Posted by baldrick

So why did you come to thailand if its full of a people you believe are like this ?

To come back to the warm bosom of his own people.

[hirondelle]

Oh I read part 1 but I think I missed part 2. I love how you write this story - and see a lot of my old fucked up relationship in it. How, even though I hated it and was unhappy, always secretly looking for an excuse to get out I still did things to protect it. You are very perceptive in the way you analyse emotions / motivations - and don't distance yourself with a facade of bravado; sometimes almost painfully honest. Thanks again for sharing.

[britmaveric]

Great story - look for last bits. Great material for tele show!!

[DJ Pat]

Stll trying to piece together a last part AND put all of them together to be put in the famous threads section....

[DJ Pat]

You may need to re-read part 2 for a recap as this continues exactly where it left off.

"No offence Anthony but I'm not lookin for anything with this gal, I'm just tagging along to keep you company, and as I am doing you this favour, a few drinks thrown in my direction would be appreciated"

"Ya man, you leave dat to me, mate" He said in a sarcastic cockney accent.

"Where we goin' anyway? I aint struggling to hear myself think in no R'n'b club you know, my mate is a disc jockey at the Cheers bar in Piccadilly"

"Pat, I don't drive a Ford Capri anymore you know, my name ain't Dave and Tracey ain't sitting next to me" Anthony was sarcastic again

"And these two aren't dancing round handbags either, here they come" I could see the two girls from the shopping centre approach the front door through the living room window.
"So Cheers Bar it is then, with DJ Mike and Pat on the decks" I made the cliched DJ scratching motion with my hand to emphasis my point.

"Ok but the second I hear any boyband shit on that dancefloor I'm leaving" Anthony said.

"Ok, ok, you're style will not be cramped whatsoever, now are you ready?"

"Yes"

"Then fucking smile, the door's gonna go any second" And on cue, the doorbell rang.

I opened the door to be very pleasantly surprised, two girls of Eastern European persuasion stood there, around 22-24 years old, pretty, slim and two very beaming smiles.

"Is Anthony in? You are Plastic?" "Patrick" I corrected her, "and you?"

"Edyta, and this is Anna, my friend"

As I was not sure which was 'mine' I decided to show them into the front room where Anthony was making some drinks.

"So whats brewin' bro?" I said as I led the girls in and sat them down. I went over and said quietly out the side of my mouth, "which is mine?" Anthony looked at me.

"Yours? Whayya mean yours?, anyone you want man, I ain't fussed at all"

"But I thought you chatted the blonde one up, Edyta"
"Ok you take Anna then"

"Take?" I gave him a funny look, grabbed a drink, swung round and promptly knocked the drink to the floor with my clumsiness.
"Shit, what a fool" I said

"Get a tissue" Anna said and swifly went to the kitchen to get a cloth

"Show me an english girl who would do that" Anthony slyly said to me

"Do what?"

"Clean this mess up without no hesitaion bro, these Eastern bloc gals are trained up man" he clapped his hands together loudly.

We arrived at the Cheers bar, a typical mainstream club that played all the mainstream pop and dance music. The two DJs I was pretty familiar with and had worked with. Mike Russo was a busy travelling DJ who played just about everywhere except the radio, and Pat (Sharp) was already an established radio star in London and the UK, on both radio and TV. they gave us the obligatory shouts on the mic and we got fairly drunk and had fun.
After a while I slumped down tired and Edyta handed me a drink, a Long Island ice tea. "Cheers" I said and nodded toward the replica Cheers bar they had installed nearby.

Anthony wandered over and knocked back a gin and tonic. "Bro' it's time to get back to mine for smokin and a late one, you joinin'?"

"Sure, what about you?" I said looking at the girls

As we pulled up outside our block I noticed that my front room light was on and the TV was flashing. That was odd for this time of night. I didn't care anyway, I thought.

The night went pretty ok, Edyta was going to spend the night at Anthonys, and after a few drinks I made my excuses and left.

I hadn't felt one thing for Anna at all, and we'd just smiled at eachother for most of the night, neither of us making that extra step. I honestly could not be bothered.

I went into my front room to find my wife watching our wedding video with tears rolling down her cheeks. I carried on into the kitchen and there was a pizza on the side. "For you" my wife shouted.

My wife has bought me a pizza? Whats the deal here?

Then I saw her bag. There was a brochure for a satellite TV system that could recieve Thai channels, so it said. As far as I was aware this was not possible. The price? Over 1000 British pounds sterling, or around $1800 US. Hmmm.

The watching of the wedding tape, the tears, the pizza, the brochure, she'll try and seduce me next, then guess what?

I refused the pizza, told her i was tired and went and had a bath.

Afterwards I rolled a spliff and sat on the sofa next to her smoking it, deliberately so she would smell the smoke. I then used the remote to whack off the damned wedding and changed it to some nationwide football show on TV. I turned up the volume, whacked off the lights, grabbed a beer and slammed my feet up on the coffee table loudly.

"Huh" she said as she stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

Ten minutes later I heard her on the phone to Thailand as usual, this time as she spoke she seemed to be choking back tears.

The following day at the restaurant she was telling all the Thai staff that I smoked ganja and that I was drinking most nights. She was right, but a man has his dark corners doesn't he? They were all talking like I had a serious affliction, and my wife asked me in front of everyone if I would like to go into "hospitan" (her pronounciation). "If you wanna pay for it, then yes, but I'm sure I'll be the one paying, and you'll just be the one getting my money out of your purse" I said very sarcastically, and stormed outside for a cigarette.

My mate Dieo laughed out loudly and my wife glared at him. He instantly went back to a straight face. She was that kind of person. I hated that. She was able to do that at first but I was wiser and wiser to her shit by the day.

Then Magda, my co-worker took me to one side and said “Why does your wife be so superficial, she has no personality of her own at all, she’s a soulless shell of a person that just screams at you Pat, you deserve better than that bitch, sorry to be honest”

Mag, another Polish girl and a Bridget Jones lookalike, also intervened "She's a horrible girl, you know she upset Jeab over something really pathetic" Jeab was one of the Thai waiteresses."It's written all over your face Patrick, you've been a fool to yourself"

Pablo, the deputy manager also interjected “Pat we know your dilemma man, we can all be together in this we are your friends, we should all talk, remember that”

I was touched for real. Not only did I only know these people for a matter of months to two years but they must have been watching, observing, discussing as well as taking notes for almost two years.

It made me feel like I now had a team. I could no longer be the polite smiling guy who was married to a friend of the Thai kitchen staff. I could no longer be the guy who wouldn’t divulge much about his private life or talk much about well, anything at all.

I must have appeared as an arrogant know it all **** to these staff and all along they were feeling my pain, well, in a way. I wouldn’t let them in to my world at all, I could see that Pablo wanted to talk about girls and the like but I was that uppity already married type who didn’t need that any more.

Then there was Patrick, the guy from New Zealand studying a TEFL certificate to work in China was a great guy too, but I wouldn’t allow them to get close to me. Was it because I feared they would find out my fraudulent existence? Or suss it out? Or had they already? It seemed so.

It was decided without my knowledge that our flat was to be the venue for one of the Thai kitchen staff’s birthday party. I had no say in the matter and I never bothered to invite any friends of my own round either.

Problem was I did not want the Thai staff to know that I smoked ganja nor that our marriage was in question. And, what was she going to do? Spend the night in the bedroom chatting on the phone while they partied in the front room? I sure wasn’t in the mood to host the conversation.

Maybe I could duck out to Anthony’s place? He was out.

I ended up setting up a TV and video in the bedroom and staying in there with the cat, popping into the living room, side stepping all the Thais sat on the floor playing cards to grab the odd chicken drumstick or beer. One of my Thai friends, Dieo, watched a load of fights with me, he was a local boxer who had attended school in Kent, and whose Thai family in Bangkok were big in architecture, or did I mis-hear that as agriculture?

The night went ok with my wifes voice as always being the loudest out of the whole room, a horrible, cackling screeching howl at times. One virtue of hosting these kind of parties was that for days after I could invite Anthony and his ‘homies’ over and tell them how good a cook I was, as we had stacks of food left over, fish, chicken, crabs, prawns, oysters, big bowls of fried rice, noodles, the whole lot lasted for days on end.

“Thailand must be like Jamaica” Anthony very cleverly announced one afternoon in front of his brother Michael and friend Erroll.

“I mean the beaches and shit, the trees and coconuts, the people are almost black, Tiger Woods is Filipino right?”

“Thai, his mother is Thai right?” I wasn’t sure as I was trying to be factual.

“Pat I would never touch your countries women, no offence” said Michael “I heard all kinds of shit about Thai bitches, all that darts and shit” He was almost serious.

.“I wouldn’t touch any Jamaican girls with a barge pole either if you wanna be like that, in fact I never wanna taste pink pussy either mate” I retaliated

“Stop reading The Sun man” Errol chipped in.

“Wanna know what the world thinks of Engliah gal?, Boy they are loose man, even the waiters in Turkey fuck them in the restaurant bogs”

"Oh piss off with that bollocks" Anthony shouted from the kitchen

“You lot wanna chill with that shit, I heard worse about Tenerife” Michael added “Tener-grief more like” he added.

I was curious. "So what about you black folks, who runs things regarding the purse strings and all that?"

Anthony wanted to answer but Michael jumped in first "You ain't had no black woman for years my brother, you been cotchin' (slang for staying) with that Mafioso bitch for the last four years", referring to his long term Italian girlfriend.

"And, you wanna watch out I ain't be callin' you no Uncle Tom, white bitch lover" Michael always got at his younger brother over this.

"Hey my girl ain't be lookin like no Macy Gray mampee ass overweight bitch" Anthony countered

"Who? Who's gal looks like Macy? Mine? Your saying my girl wears them glasses and donkey jacket?, hey at least I'm loyal to my sisters, I'm not the one goin on like the black pimp" Michael said with scorn.

Cut it out man you sound like Chris Rock having an argument with himself in the mirror" Erroll joked.

It was these kinds of days that I enjoyed and really hated them being ruined by my wife who would turn the air sour simply by just coming home. It was like, she would arrive home and a procession of black men would leave. Bi-curious skeptics would have a field day.

Procession of black men you say?

You may well be curious, well it goes back to my childhood where the white kids at school, this was the late 1970s remember, would be fascanated by where I came from. I was a bit Chinese, they thought, so they called me a Chinese. Nobody had heard of Thailand, especially white kids in north London in the '70s. The black kids still got a bit of grief, and during playtime when everyone wanted to play football together, the white kids thought of a black vs. whites format.

After much squabbling I played for the 'black' team and most of my early school friends were the local black kids. Ditto my older sister, she hung with their older sisters two years above. Growing up was also interesting on a council estate, but that is not why you are reading this.

Did my wife never realize that she could change the atmosphere in one stroke? She would walk in to the flat and not acknowledge anybody, really arrogant it seemed. At first my friends were a bit taken aback but then when I told them the current situation they would make conversation with her like:

"So a hard day cookin'?" Anthony joked to her another time, when she was looking really stern and miserable.

She replied "Ya, many cutomer order gaeng kiaow wan gai, fallung crazy green curry a lot, many people come today want go to a gogo in Bangkok, they tell staff about Patpong" and she giggled falsely.

I glared at her in disapproval, knowing she was just being a sarcastic cow.

"What's Patpong?" Anthony was puzzled and looked at me. I shrugged and nodded to my wife, "tell him" I said.

"Patpong where falang touriss go for a shopping and eat Thai food and see gatoy show and gogo bar hahaha"

"What?" he was puzzled and raised his eyebrows at me

"Never mind" I sighed and showed Anthony out.

One day one of my colleagues, the pessimistic Thai girl (who I loved for her openness), Yaow, told me that she had overheard my wife on the phone to someone about me,and told me later on that she suspected that my 'wife' didn't love me, but loved me for my ability to get her " indefinite leave to remain" from the British Government via our marriage and the fact that I was a British national.

I had blacked out the thought of her and the visa thing deliberately from my mind for fears of believing it but it was inevitably coming to light. Yaow was miserable, but right. I thanked her and told her to keep me posted on any other developments.

And she did.

To be continued again.

[Spin]

great first few lines, I'll read the rest of it next time i get a week off work

[Marmite the Dog]

Originally Posted by DJ Pat

ou may well be curious, well it goes back to my childhood where the white kids at school, this was the late 1970s remember, would be fascanated by where I came from. I was a bit Chinese, they thought, so they called me a Chinese. Nobody had heard of Thailand, especially white kids in north London in the '70s. The black kids still got a bit of grief, and during playtime when everyone wanted to play football together, the white kids thought of a black vs. whites format. After much squabbling I played for the 'black' team and most of my early school friends were the local black kids. Ditto my older sister, she hung with their older sisters two years above. Growing up was also interesting on a council estate, but that is not why you are reading this.

I was wonderin' why you is a bit gangsta!

[classic-chassis]

no need!!!!

[DJ Pat]

Originally Posted by Marmite the Dog

I was wonderin' why you is a bit gangsta!

Well, I'm ashamed to say that said estate is now the scene of pitched battles between gangs of chavs, male and female.

[mrsquirrel]

You don't think you just bored her so much Pat that she decided to be a complete bitch to you? Just a thought you know.

[DJ Pat]

^^Quite possibly

[benhat]

im sure that ewe is welsh!!