Ask Islamic Rage Boy Vol. 3
Dear Islamic Rage Boy,
I was recently captured by the American swine on the battlefield of Iraq during the glorious jihad against the west. I did not intend to be taken, but the Somali suicide belt I had on did not detonate. To add insult to injury, after being taken to Guantanamo Bay (which is really quite nice), I have taken to eating the decadent, carb-laden infidel food and have put on the dreaded “Gitmo Fifteen.” What is the best way to lose this excess weight?
Rapidly Gaining in Gitmo
Dear Rapidly, Wow, talk about your proverbial string of bad luck. I am very sorry for your failure to blow up. This can be most disconcerting. However, I am not surprised given the fact that you were wearing a Somali issued belt which I have always maintained were of inferior quality. You did not specify, but I assume it was the Virgin-Voyage 2000 model as this is notorious, even among the Somali belts, for its unreliability. In the future I would recommend one of the Syrian or Iranian models. They are a bit pricey, but they make up for it in performance. Many jihadis like the student-designed belts that have been coming out of the French ghettos over the past few years, but I haven’t seen enough data to support this choice. Please keep in mind too that most people go out of their way to complain about poor products or service while the data on successful belts is typically secondhand. Please do not be discouraged, it will happen when the moment is right. As far as your incarceration goes there are two options: self-decapitation or patience. The former involves a great deal of fortitude and a razor sharp Q’aran. Initially you will lose the desired weight with even more coming off over time. On top of that, the Jihad Council has recently approved an additional twelve virgins for this most honorable act. The downside is that paper cuts really sting. I mean, I couldn’t do it but more power to you if you are able. The latter option is patience. Patience because our lobbying efforts are working. Senators Reid and Durbin have rallied to our cause as well as the heavy-set sot from Massachusetts whose name escapes me. Your voice is being heard. You are making a difference.