A big fucking one of these!
Mr F:- Honey, Tee Rak ... I've bought a spare pump for the well, just in case this old one dies while I'm away off shore.
I'll be gone a couple of months this time, double roster ... make sure you take care of everything ... OK?
Miss T:- Sure, no problem. Lub you Marrk
Two months later Mr T returns to his love nest ...
Miss T:- Water no good. Can not flushy flushy. Kei mark mark.
Mr F:- No problems, I'll fix the well tomorrow.
Next Day
Mr F:- Looking, looking in the unlocked storeroom for the spare pump. Few things moved around ... mumbles to himself ... "I'm sure I put it here".
Mr F:- Honey, any idea where that spare Pump I bought is? I'm sure I put it in the storeroom for an emergency.
Miss T:- quiet ...
After a minute of no response.
Mr F:- Honey, did you hear what I asked you?
Miss T:- yes
Mr F:- Soooooooooooooooo?
Miss T:- So what?
Mr F:- So, do you know where the pump is that I bought?
Miss T:- Yes
Silence ...
Mr F:- Great ... I've been looking for it, we urgently need to replace ours and I specifically bought it for that reason.
Honey ... did you move it? where is it now?
Miss T:- My Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son
Mr F:- Huh ... I'm asking about my pump ... not really the time to talk about your ... umm ... Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son!
So, where is the pump?
Miss T:- Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son
Starting to get a little flustered now ...
Mr F:- I don't see the connection .. I'm just looking for my pump ... we need it ... urgently!
Maybe I didn't explain myself clearly ... so, where is the pump?
Miss T:- Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son
Clenching of teeth now ...
Mr F:- OK, I have no idea why he has it, and I don't care, but can you phone to him and ask him to return it please.
Damm, I hope he hasn't played with it and removed it from it's packing.
Miss T:- Difficult to do
Mr F:- No, it's not, just pick up the phone and call him ... you have his number I presume.
Miss T:- yes
maybe a minute passes ...
Mr T:- soooooo?
Miss T:- So what?
Audible clenching of teeth, for the second time
Mr F:- So, please phone your Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son and ask him to return the said pump ... with the packaging AND the instructions ... God know how difficult it was to find a pump in Thailand with English instructions.
Miss T:- quiet
Mr F:- Honey ... did you hear what I asked you to do?
Miss T:- Yes
Mr F:- so ... can you phone him please ... I really need to get this pump working again for our Family.
Miss T:- quiet
Mr F:- This is getting beyond a joke, pick up the fucking phone, call that dipshit, lazy, good for nothing Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son and demand MY pump back.
Miss F:- quiet
Maybe 30 secs later ...
Miss F:- sorry, can not
Maybe clearly stunned by that reply ... 30 secs later ...
Mr F:- OK ... please explain to me why you can't do what I ask?
Miss T:- I can
Mr F:- GREAT ... please phone NOW ... I should be able to get the water on by sundown. Flush the toilet and you can wash that pile of clothes in the morning.
Miss T:- I can not
Mr F:- You can phone him but cannot phone him? Have I got that correct?
Miss T:- Yes, correct
Mr F:- a few expletives muttered under breath.
Mr F ... draws a long breath and asks ... Honey ... why not?
Miss T:- Instantly relies ... why not what?
Mr F:- now on the tipping point, punches the nearest inanimate (and inexpensive) object he can find and draws, maybe the longest breath in his entire life, struggling to maintain composure and, in maybe an octave higher then his usually composed self asks ... Honey, Tee Rak, love of my life ... why can't you phone your Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son and politely ask him to return my pump?
MissT:- because he use it now
Mr F:- What you mean he use it now? (notice how your grammar declines when arguing with a Thai and the argument is heated ... lowest common denominator and all that)
Miss T:- he use it now ... he no problem now. before he hab problem, but he no hab problem now. fixed now ... she comfortably
Mr F:- OK ... another breath, but shorter then before. Let me see if I have this correct (his grammar has returned) ... MY pump, which I bought for OUR family you have lent ... NO, given to your Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son ... correctamundo ? ... she understands this term ... not learnt in a School English Class.
Miss T:- quite proudly says an affirmative YES ... I give him ... he need it. We have spare one, you not use. why you need two? he broken, he need ... he no need now. what you problem?
Mr F:- My problem is that we have a shitter that is filled to the brim, a mountain of unwashed clothes soon to eclipse the Matterhorn, no fucking water whatsoever and you ask me what the fucking problem is ... sheeeeesh!
Miss T:- what sheeeeeeesh mean ... you had new girl? she hab good water? can wash clothes her house?
Mr F:- You lot ... fucking _ are _ unbelievable
Miss F:- you no believe me ... I give pump to Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son ... sure and he very happy. says he should buy Faland new one.
Mr F:- so, please let me hang of this minuscule glimmer of hope, (he's thinking, but not game to say ... there is a God, we are not forsaken) ... you mean he buy same pump and it waiting his place to give back to us? (Grammar gone to the dogs ... again)
Miss F:- No ... why you ask? he no buy anything. why he need to buy? ... his pump good, made Germany. he said difficult to buy here, expensive mark maarrk
oh, he say thank the falang, he buy quality pump
Mr F:- His Pump! His Pump! It's my fucking pump and you gave it to some somechai you hardly know.
Miss F:- he no sumchai, he Family. you no love me, no love family?
Mr F:- huh ... he's your Bother-in-Law's Neighbour's Son
Miss F:- yes, you are smart man now, he family
Mr F:- ...
Later Mr T awakes , heads a bit sore from hitting the floor. Sits up, rubs the back of his head ... no blood, so a mild concussion at best.
He thinks, fuck this ... I'm going to the Pub. It's not far away. Easy enough to walk there, but bit of a stumble home. It's a fine clear night, no hint of rain ... thinks, I'll ride the bike down ... the fresh air might clear my head.
So, Mr F starts to walk out, goes to grab the Hondas Wave's keys on the way and they are not there.
Mr F:- Honey ... where are the keys to the Honda?
Miss T:- Not there?
Mr F:- Yes, they're not there ... where they usually are. Actually, I didn't see the bike parked in it's usual spot. I hope the bike wasn't dropped while I was away.
Miss F:- Sure, not dropped
Mr F:- GREAT ... BTW, where is the bike?
Miss T:- Khun Win has it
Mr F:- Khun Win? Khun Win? ... thinks about it for a moment ... Win ... isn't he that guy down the road, the motorcycle courier/taxi?
Miss T:- Yes, that him
Mr F:- OK, pray tell, why does he have our bike?
Miss T:- He bike, tyre, no air, problem for him.
Mr F:- So you lent him our bike?
Miss T:- no
Mr F:- No?
Miss T:- Yes, no ... said with confidence, her English feels good now
Mr F:- what you mean yes/no
Miss T:- oh, he no borrow, he rent ... give me 100 baht/day
I good business woman, no?
Mr F:- About now, I don't care, I'm close to giving up.
Miss T:- why give ... better to rent him
Mr F:- ...