Dear Islamic Rage Boy,
My first daughter has come of age for genital mutilation and as you can imagine, I am quite nervous. She is the apple of my eye and I want to make sure that everything goes smoothly. Any suggestions?
Perennially Pacing in Pashtun Province
Dear Perennially Pacing, Ah yes, I too remember well the labial maiming of my firstborn female. It is a very special occasion indeed. Here are a few tips to help with your big day:- Do not use anything sharp for the ceremony such as a well-honed scalpel or a new razor blade. This will produce too clean of a cut and render the entire “mutilation” moot. I recommend a broken conch shell or a rusty fan blade. In a pinch you can simply gnaw off the offending organ, but this is not as desirable an option in my opinion.
- As the proud father just remember that everyone will want a piece of you on this day. Make sure to slow down and enjoy the moment. It will fly by quicker than you realize.
- Except for the obvious need during the ceremony, make sure her skin is completely covered. A genital mutilation can quickly turn into death by stoning; let’s focus on one rite of passage at a time!
- Be sure to have enough food. I still recall with horror a mutilation I attended in the mid-90s. Everything went off beautifully during the ceremony, but at the after-party all they had was a six-pack of chick pea cola and a single tray of “Jews-in-a-blanket.” To call this “poor form” would be an understatement of the first order.
I hope I have been of assistance. Enjoy your day! Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar usage, homeopathy, and animal grooming