Snails. Frog's legs. Moules et frites. Lengths of bread that crackle like a Roman candles. Soft cheese that smells like a public lavatory. Sexually promiscuous gentlemen sporting horizontally blue and white striped jersey, beret and garlic scarf ensembles. Females with poor personal grooming habits. Blue movies at breakfast. The Cannes Film Festival. Running away from the hun. The Alps. The Louvre. And of course, cycling.
I think that's France in a nutshell...or should I say ecroushell.
And considering it's just a 3 hour ferry journey across the English Channel at just 70 pounds for a return ticket, I thought it only polite to descend upon our Franco friends in order to grace them with my presence, which for the most part transpired to be an intoxicated mess; and this was a fucking cycling holiday.
First on the agenda was to get ripped off by the unscrupulous wankers at British Rail. For the price of a ticket from London to Portsmouth I could have travelled from Kuala Lumpur to Chiang Rai with change for a red-hot half an hour with an illegal Burmese immigrant on arrival.
*sigh.............*
Here he comes; and he even had the gumption to instigate several minutes of light-hearted banter - about the FUCKING WEATHER!
Now in Portsmouth, a brisk cycle around the outskirts and on to the port ensued, where our vessel, The Normandy Express, rolled restlessly at the dock.
"Bonjour monsieur," piped up a dishevelled deck hand, "Ahm afraid you cannot smoke on zees sheeeep" he continued, pointing to my cigarette as I pushed my bike towards the bow doors.
Already these people were doing my fucking head in.
But the journey started without further hindrance as we began an aggressive tack away from Old Blighty towards Cherbourg.
The day was still young so a breakfast of Camembert, croissants and Coca Cola was opted for. Du vin would have to wait for a more respectable hour....
....and that hour came about 15 minutes later, when the only way to combat the nauseating sway of the ship was to trigger the onset of inebriation.
The bar was fully stocked. The prices, however, were fully offensive...but needs must, and several red wine miniatures and a tin of Stella Artois were liberated..
We disembarked at approximately 1pm local time. The plan was to cycle 80 miles to a coastal town on the peninsula called Granville where we would rest for a night before continuing another 30 miles on to Avranches and pick up the 11th stage of The Tour de France.
This plan, however, had one major flaw. It was shit.
Therefore I decided to locate a little Bar Tabac in Cherbourg and sample some of the local brew. This Pelforth was flavoursome, crisp and incredibly moreish.
I drank three before the contingency plan, which came in the form of a train, came into play..
Upon arriving at the train station I naturally needed a piss and had to pay 30 cents for the privilege...in this! Where am I? Developed northern Europe or the fucking bus station bogs in Saraburi?
A compromise was made and eventually we decided that we'd alight at Carentan which was halfway between Cherbourg and Grandville.
I was still decidedly drunk when we reached Perrier, some 15 miles into the ride..
But wending our way through the Normandy countryside, the hangover began.
By the time we reached Granville I wasn't in particularly high spirits. Even the sea view from the room did little to improve my mood.
But the evening's fare: moules et frites, a caraffe of vin blanc and half a dozen glasses of Chimay, soon saw the stagger return to my stride...
These mussels were delicious. Each one bursting with a mild garlic and white wine seasoning, the residue of which was mopped up with contents of the omnipresent bread basket. Superb!
The next day, after I'd alarmed our fellow patrons of the hotel by blazing through the breakfast buffet like a fucking hurricane ("Daddy, that man just ate a whole French stick"), we set off to Avranches.
The roads were what you'd describe as undulating, as I worked my bicycle's highest gears, dry gagging as I'd near the top of draggy climbs - there were two category 4 ascents en route.
But the scenery was first class.
We hugged the coast for the most part, and the views offered somewhat numbed the pain..
Here we have Le Mont Saint Michel on the horizon, behind France's trademark cylindrical hay bales..
Quaint cafes so synonymous of rural France. Beautiful.
Avranches waited for us, at an unnecessarily high altitude..
And finally we reached the Tour, where Scott Gerrans, the winner of an early stage, was warming up for the individual time trial..
Teejau Van Garderen had already started...
And I had a hankering for pizza. A Tour de France special apparently. It was special OK. Camembert and chicken? Are you on an E??
Found a nice little spot just out of town to watch the final 20 riders speed past.
Valverde
Contador
And just to mark the gradual decline ofmy photography skills....
Froome
And so concludes the trip, bar a few stops on the way back to England for cake...