Granddad gives Slap a lesson on Isaan table etiquette

**somtamslap** · 05-12-2012, 03:29 PM

Over the many years I've been acquainted with Granddad I have yet to have had the misfortune of witnessing the old bastard consuming any form of solid sustenance with his ever eroding sporadic set of gnashers - in fact, I think he's only got one, and that looks like it belongs in a fucking museum. But I have of course been present in the form of an admiring spectator as he eases his way through bottle upon bottle of the strongest alcohol known to humanity and still manages to capture, quite remarkably, the status of a relatively operative member of the human race.

Twas only yesterday morning during a visit to my local purveyor of everything from shotgun shells to freshly slain serpents, that I happened upon Granddad engaged in what appeared to be a robust session of banter with a harem of coarsely clad female farmhands preparing for a day of traipsing in among the corn fields whilst sipping intermittently at their day's quotient of lao. The man obviously still has moves, and the desire to indulge in pleasures of the flesh evidently still remains after he reached into the depths of his physiological being and gave one of the female farming contingent a feeble slap on the backside as she made to leave the establishment.

But yesterday evensong, just as I was nestling into my usual seat at the local shop, which has since been dubbed 'gao-wee VIP', and preparing to launch with lust into the next chapter of my book (Scar Tissue, Anthony Kiedis - worthy) Granddad lurched into the venue, liberated a 10 baht bag of Pad Pet Pla Lai (spicy eel curry), with the diligence of a seasoned elastic bandsman opened the polythene sachet and started cramming fistfuls of the aforementioned fare into his mouth with his bare hands.

By this point I became extremely hesitant with regards to opening my recently purchased packet of Lays Originals through fear of violently introducing them to the fruit and vegetable display, and the award winning gulp I'd just imbibed stirred angrily in the pit of my stomach.

Really, Granddad! A smidgen of table etiquette must've surely been acquired at some point during your 189 years of existence. But saying that, I immediately began to reminisce about the way in which, as a youth, I had eaten doner kebabs with all the decorum of a salivating mongrel - so for this, although watching Granddad guzzling at his curry had made me feel somewhat nauseous, I was able to empathize with his appetite to a certain extent.

But upon the conclusion of this hearty repast, and after utilizing his omnipresent sarong as a fucking serviette, Granddad, in all is wizened glory, squatted at literally an arms length from where I sat inwardly grimacing, and took a fucking piss. Right there in the shop. And much to my dismay, the trajectory of the flow of his urine was headed like a white water bastard river in my direction.

I quickly relocated to another seat, and needless to say I quickly upgraded the status of Granddad to that of the best person in the world, ever...

Here he sits. With wizened intent...

**ltnt** · 05-12-2012, 03:36 PM

We could all take lessons from grandpa. Never sit in the sun, only Englishmen do that. That's not you squatting beneath the chicken crib slap?

**Satonic** · 05-12-2012, 03:40 PM

Liar!

**somtamslap** · 05-12-2012, 03:49 PM

^ Absolutely

Originally Posted by ltnt

We could all take lessons from grandpa

Grandpa is the master!

**ltnt** · 05-12-2012, 04:06 PM

I am always surprised by the intuitiveness of these people. The right one's know the smell is bullshit long before it hits the neighborhood noses. Wonder where they get that from?

**Rural Surin** · 05-12-2012, 08:15 PM

Looks as if the extended garden/yard requires upkeep.
Shame, Slap....

Just going along to get along, huh?

**nidhogg** · 05-12-2012, 08:58 PM

Slap, Slap. Pacing is everything. I am only allowed to green you every so often, so I have to owe you another one.

**somtamslap** · 05-12-2012, 09:35 PM

Originally Posted by Rural Surin

Looks as if the extended garden/yard requires upkeep.

Granddad is the sole tender to that garden, hence his perpetually 90 degree angled gait. He was however in fine fettle this very evening - sporting his finest attire after a trip to the local Wat after paying homage to his Majesty's birthday. He was also surprisingly coherent, for about five minutes.

**Gravesend Dave** · 06-12-2012, 09:30 AM

SOMTAMSLAP
You sure Granddad aint half ling!

Watched dancing monkey show the other day,funny little fuckers but dirty Bastards!

My boy asked me,
Dad why does he kept putting his finger up his bum and smelling it?

Hmm he,s a monkey Son.

**somtamslap** · 06-12-2012, 10:17 AM

Originally Posted by Gravesend Dave

You sure Granddad aint half ling!

He certainly looks like one, and moves like one, whilst I'm thinking about it.

**Gravesend Dave** · 06-12-2012, 10:27 AM

Somtamslap
fuck it he harmless,

just buy him a nappy,pissing one thing but, no I wont start talking about him shitting all over the place.

**somtamslap** · 06-12-2012, 10:37 AM

Originally Posted by Gravesend Dave

fuck it he harmless,

Block the path between him and his scared tipple would no doubt escalate into a frenzy of mad ninja skills.

**somtamslap** · 06-12-2012, 11:06 AM

Originally Posted by somtamslap

scared

Freudian slip. I'm so shit scared of Granddad that I wrote scared instead of sacred.

**ltnt** · 06-12-2012, 03:34 PM

Why not go to the Wat for a "Grand Dad Amulet?" Lao bottle on a string hung and blessed on the alter of bad habits.

**somtamslap** · 06-12-2012, 11:00 PM

I've just been invited to the shopkeeper's son's baptism of monkhood. Granddad has unfortunately been expelled from the occasion. Hugely disappointing.

**ltnt** · 07-12-2012, 09:40 AM

Grand dad must be an "elevated soul," reason he's not invited? No matter, now he can go to the shopkeepers place and enjoy a few free lao's.

**somtamslap** · 07-12-2012, 05:50 PM

Originally Posted by ltnt

reason he's not invited?

He gets too drunk and shits and pisses himself. Not quite the sort ambiance require for such a spiritual occasion..

**ltnt** · 07-12-2012, 05:56 PM

Originally Posted by somtamslap

ambiance

Never thought of that? Didn't know it counted for much up your way.

**withnallstoke** · 07-12-2012, 06:33 PM

Originally Posted by somtamslap

He gets too drunk and shits and pisses himself.

But you got an invite.

**Rural Surin** · 07-12-2012, 08:00 PM

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

Originally Posted by somtamslap

He gets too drunk and shits and pisses himself.

But you got an invite.

More likely invited himself.
Whatta they gonna say...??

**withnallstoke** · 07-12-2012, 08:25 PM

Originally Posted by Rural Surin

More likely invited himself. Whatta they gonna say...??

"Fuck off and buy your own piss you fat bastard"?

**Rural Surin** · 07-12-2012, 08:52 PM

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

Originally Posted by Rural Surin

More likely invited himself. Whatta they gonna say...??

"Fuck off and buy your own piss you fat bastard"?

Oh dear.
That's not terribly hospitable.....Thai 'n all.

**somtamslap** · 07-12-2012, 10:19 PM

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

But you got an invite.

And rightly so, as a stalwart member of the local community...

**Rural Surin** · 07-12-2012, 10:37 PM

Originally Posted by somtamslap

Originally Posted by withnallstoke

But you got an invite.

And rightly so, as a stalwart member of the local community...

A token Farang, is all.
Sad state.

**withnallstoke** · 07-12-2012, 10:41 PM

Originally Posted by Rural Surin

A token Farang, is all. Sad state.

Slapper is as Asian as you are, Jeff.

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